Heaven Help Me
by Isabella GL
Summary: Holly is engaged to Daniel St. John, and Roger is determined to make her see that she belongs with him. Will there be time before the wedding? Will Holly yield to Roger? How far will Daniel go to keep her? This is my take on what could have happened during the three during the fall of 1991!
1. Must Be Fate

_A little bit of context: This story is taking place during the fall of 1991. I will make some changes from the real story, as you will discover as the story unfolds. Holly is engaged to Daniel and Roger has been trying to get rid of the doctor so that he could get his hands back on WSPR (which Daniel now partly owns). What Roger had not planned was to fall in love with Holly all over again along the way. The story starts after Roger has followed Holly home to convince her that Daniel is not the man for her...Another thing, there is going to be a lot of sex in this story, more than in my previous ones. I strive to keep it tasteful and I do feel that the sex scenes are relevant. However, if you're not into erotica, I suggest that you read no further!_

* * *

**Holly's place.**

"And heaven help me, I love you still."

Roger took a few steps and grabbed Holly by the arms. Before she could shake him off, he leaned in and kissed her hard, pulling her tightly into his embrace.

"No!" Holly whispered as she finally pushed him away after several seconds. "Go."

"It's all right," Roger said softly. "You felt it too!" he added, this time with more certainty.

Holly took a few steps towards the kitchen table and shook her head, still out of breath. "No," she repeated. "Go. GO."

* * *

She watched through the window as his car pulled out of the driveway. The sun had set and the snow was now falling fast and hard.

She walked to the door and made sure it was locked, then rested her forehead against the wall.

_Close call. _

Too close for comfort, she shivered as she went to the kitchen. She retrieved a bottle of red wine from the cupboard and poured herself a glass. She then walked back to the living room and proceeded to build a fire in the fireplace.

Five minutes later, logs were crackling noisily, casting a cheerful glow in the living room. Holly picked up her glass from the coffee table and wrapped herself in a blanket that was lying on the sofa.

"How is it that this man can still get to me?" she muttered, shaking her head almost ragingly. His hold on her was infuriating, and truth be told, she was ashamed of it. She could not be attracted to the man who had caused her to suffer for so many years. A man who had once set his mind on breaking her spirit.

_And yet._ She took a big gulp of her drink and put her glass back on the table with a sharp thud. Ever since he had come back from the dead two years ago, ever since his mask had dropped, she had felt the old familiar pull toward him. There had been other close calls before tonight. First in Costa Verde, then Acapulco.

She had been the one coming on to him then, but she had been doing it to drive him out of town and out of her life. But tonight was different. He was the one who had come to her, and he had spoken that dreaded word: "LOVE".

"When did it become so complicated?" she sighed, picking up her glass again.

And then there was Daniel, her future husband. He was young, gifted, and obviously devoted to her. Daniel could make her happy. Daniel _would_ make her happy, she muttered with a decided nod of the head. There was no way she would let Roger ruin her chance at happiness. Not this time, not after what happened with Ed, and with Ross.

She got up and shook the blanket off her shoulders. She had promised Daniel that she would wait for him to come back from the hospital, but she suddenly felt exhausted. She was about to turn off the lights when there was an urgent knock at the front door.

She forced a smile on her face and went to answer, expecting her fiancé to rush inside. Instead, there stood Roger, a sheepish smile on his face.

* * *

He jammed his right foot in the door before she could slam it shut.

"My car broke down a mile down the road. This was the closest place I could come to call for a tow truck."

Holly shook her head dubiously. "Now, why should I believe you?"

Roger raised his hands in frustration, causing the snow that had gathered on his coat to fall on the doormat. "Listen, I know that I said some rotten things in my time to get you into bed, but this is not one of them. I had to walk a whole mile in this storm," he said, pointing to the blizzard outside, "I'm freezing and miserable. Please, just let me call a tow truck and I'll be out of your way."

Holly peered at him for a few seconds and slowly opened the door to let him in. "If I ever find out that you lied to me, Roger, I swear I'll personally slash your tires at the station tomorrow."

Roger took his coat off and shook it outside before closing the door behind him. "I'm not lying," he said. "But then you'll never know for sure, are you?" he added with a twinkle in his eyes.

He caught her menacing glance and hurried toward the phone. "Fine, no more jokes!"

While he was making his call, Holly went back to the kitchen and poured herself another glass of wine. She glanced at her watch and winced. Daniel would be back within the next hour, and if he found Roger at her house, he would go berserk.

She still could not understand how Daniel, usually so cool and collected, could lose his temper so easily when Roger was involved. It scared her sometimes, if she was being truly honest. But then again, Roger did have that effect on people. Especially her.

"Is there one for me?" Roger asked behind her, making her jump. She turned and saw that he pointed at her glass.

"No, because you're leaving, remember?"

Roger shook his head and let himself sink onto the sofa. "I just called three towing companies and all the vehicules are snowed in. They all said they would have to wait until the city cleared the roads before they could come and get my car. It could take hours."

"Roger, you cannot stay here. Daniel will be back soon and –"

"I don't know where your betrothed is tonight, but I know that he is staying put. Didn't I just tell you that the roads are closed?"

"And to think that it was barely snowing half-an-hour ago!" Holly exclaimed while moving to the window. She peered outside and discovered to her dismay that there was about a foot of snow already piled up in her front yard.

"Must be fate."

"Shut up, Roger."


	2. I've been loving you too long

"It's a good thing I went to the grocery store yesterday," Holly said as she rummaged through the refrigerator a few minutes later. "Daniel and I usually order in…"she said, her voice suddenly trailing off.

Roger, who was still on the couch, smiled good-humouredly. "You can mention his name, you know. I won't break into tears."

Holly straightened herself up and put some vegetables on the counter with a bang. "I don't care about your feelings, Roger, I thought we had established that already."

Roger ignored her rebuff and walked up to her. "Need any help?" he inquired as she started to chop tomatoes.

"You can put boil some water for the pasta, and then you can put some music on. The sound of the wind is driving me crazy," she said tersely.

"Okay," Roger said before obeying. He knew his presence made her feel on edge. To be honest, he also felt a little tense. He had just kissed her, she had turned him down, and now they were stuck together with no means of escape. The whole situation was surreal.

Looking through her records, he found one by Otis Redding and put it on. The first notes of "I've been loving you too long" began to play. Holly briefly looked up from her chopping board and gave him a look as if to say, "Seriously?"

Roger shrugged and sat back on the couch with his glass of wine. "About earlier –" he started to say.

"I don't want to discuss this, Roger."

"Come on, Holly! You can't pretend as if nothing happened."

"Watch me," she replied before dropping chicken in a sizzling pan.

"Are you still afraid of me? Is that it?"

Holly paused for a few seconds to look at him. "No, I'm not." It was the truth. She knew since Acapulco that he would never force himself on her ever again.

Roger took a sip and put his glass on the table. "I'm glad. Still, I think I should apologize for kissing you. I got carried away in trying to show you how I feel, but it was uncalled for," he said, staring at his clasped hands.

Holly stirred the pasta and put the wooden spoon down. Her voice was soft when she replied, "Let's just forget it, alright? I'm with Daniel now. Why can't you just accept that?" She turned back to the stove, not waiting for an answer.

Roger sighed wearily. He had tried to explain why he could not accept it until he was blue in the face, but she kept refusing to believe him. Not that he could blame her, considering his track record where she was concerned.

His mind wandered back to the end of the summer, when he had tried to buy back Ross's shares of WSPR. After his divorce from Alexandra, the station was all that he had left, and he desperately sought to be in control of something again. He needed a stepping stone, and WSPR provided him that.

The fact that this would tie him that much more closely with Holly was inconsequential, he kept telling himself, even though the prospect left him unaccountably excited.

Then Daniel had waltzed in at the eleventh hour, helped by Ed, and bought the shares from Ross, who was only too happy to sell to the doctor instead of Roger. The defeat had been almost too bitter to bear, and that is when Roger had decided to bring Daniel and Ross down.

Roger glanced at Holly again. When did this revenge morph into a quest to win her back? He could not have pinpoint the exact moment, but he knew now that the stakes were much higher than a stupid television station. His heart was on the line, and more importantly, Holly's safety.

He always felt that there was something off about Daniel, and now he was nearing the truth. While digging in Daniel's past for something to use against him, he had discovered that the doctor had to quit his residency in Boston under suspicious circumstances. He then went on to learn that Daniel had been having an affair with the chief-of-staff's wife at that time. Just before Daniel quit, the woman had died in a car accident, apparently because she had overdosed on her antidepressants. The official statement released by the police was that the woman had committed suicide when Daniel had broken things off with her, but somehow the story did not ring true to Roger.

Unfortunately, when he had exposed his doubts to Holly earlier that day, she had laughed in his face and accused him of wanting to ruin her life yet again. He had followed her to her house in an attempt to convince her to stay away from Daniel, and now there they were. He saw that he would have to get concrete proof of Daniel's involvement in the death of his ex-lover before he could ever hope to get Holly back.

"Dinner's ready!" Holly called out to him.

Shaking off his thoughts, Roger jumped to his feet and helped his ex-wife carry the food on the kitchen table.

"So, no need for candles I assume?" he said in a last attempt to lighten the atmosphere.

Before Holly could retort, the lights went out, starling them. Roger immediately threw his hands in the air and said: "I am not responsible for this, I swear!" Holly groaned and went to the closet in the hallway. She came back with a pack of candles and handed half to Roger.

"I know that it's not your fault. Mother Nature whipped up this storm just to aggravate me," he heard her mumbled under her breath while she lit the candles and placed them around the kitchen and the living room.

"Let's just eat, shall we?" she then said as she sat back at the table.

"Fine," Roger replied before taking his first bite.

* * *

By the time they had cleared the table, the room was already noticeably colder.

"Let me stack the fire and then I'll call back the towing company, just in case," Roger told a shivering Holly. They both knew the call would be fruitless; the blizzard showed no sign of relenting.

"Fine," she replied in a flat tone. "I'll make us some tea."

They sat back five minutes later on separate couches, and Holly handed a steaming mug and a woolen blanket to Roger before wrapping herself in a similar one. Roger took a gulp and made a face.

"What did you put in this? Poison?"

Holly remained impassive, but Roger could swear he saw just a glimpse of a smile on her lips. "Just some whiskey. I thought it would help keep us warm."

"SOME whiskey? How about Ireland's entire supply? You could have warned me."

"And ruin all the fun?"

"I'll have you know that alcohol actually makes your body lose heat faster."

"Maybe so, but at least we won't feel it."

Roger sighed and put his mug on the table. "Listen, Holly, I know that my presence here is unwanted, but please don't get drunk on my account."

"I was not planning on it, but it's actually not a bad idea."

"Can't we try to get along? I mean, it's all fun and games to fight with you when we can each go to our separate corners afterwards, but tonight we're stuck together."

Don't I know it, Holly reflected before hiding her flushed face in her mug. And when all that I can think about is that stupid kiss. A flash of Roger's bare chest rushed through her mind and she glanced at him sideways. She had seen him almost naked the year before, in Acapulco. She remembered thinking that his body had barely changed in all these years.

She cleared her throat before replying. "How am I supposed to get along with you when you're hell bent on making me miserable? In the last months only, you tried to take the control of the station away from me, and now you're trying to make me believe that my future husband is a murderer!"

A steely determination appeared in Roger's eyes at the mention of Daniel. "Yes, because he IS. I'm flying to Boston in a few days, and when I come back, I'll have concrete proof of what I'm saying."

"Ed already looked into that story before hiring him at Cedars."

"Well, he did not look hard enough."

"Of course, only you would know how to discover the truth," Holly sneered.

Roger rolled his eyes and tried another tactic. He had learned a long time ago that attacking Ed was not the way to go with Holly.

"Can't you see how violent Daniel can be? Whenever I'm around, he becomes aggressive."

"Who wouldn't?" Holly said, hiding her uneasiness behind sarcasm.

"He tried to hit me the other day at hospital cafeteria, don't you remember that?"

"Because you were coming on to me!"

"That's exactly my point! Is he going to pick a fight with every man that flirts with you? Because if so, he's in for a few confrontations. This is not normal jealousy, Holly. This guy is unhinged."

Holly downed her tea and shook her head angrily. "He's not! You're trying to manipulate me into leaving him, and for what? I can't believe that you want us to get back together! Even you could not be as crazy enough to think that it could be a good idea."

"Would that really be so bad?" Roger replied softly.

She got up abruptly and the blanket fell from her shoulders. "Are you insane?" she shouted. "Why would I ever want to go back to you after everything that you did to me?" She started pacing across the room, visibly distressed. Roger got up and followed her at a safe distance.

"Because I've changed, and you've changed too," he said entreatingly. "Don't you remember what we said in Acapulco?"

Holly stopped in her tracks and faced him. "Don't "Acapulco" me! Going down there with you was the worst mistake I have ever made!"

"That's not what you said at the time."

"I was stupid! Don't touch me!" she yelled when he tried to take her hand. He backed off, seeing that she was almost crying.

"Another word about us and you'll be waiting for the tow truck on the porch. Is that clear?" She went back to the couch and hid her faces in the palms of her hands.

"I don't want to upset you, Holly."

"That's EXACTLY what you want!" She averted her eyes as he kneeled in front of her. "Don't you see that I can't stand you?" she said in a trembling voice.

When Roger did not answer, she glanced back at him and saw that he was staring at her.

"Is it really me that you can't stand, Holly? Or the fact that you want me just as badly as I want you?"


	3. Surrender

He put his hand on her knee and something snapped inside of her. She was so tired of struggling with herself. He was right; she did want him. She had wanted him to make love to her almost ever since he had come back into her life.

The wine and the whiskey made her dizzy but strangely focused at the same time. She felt Roger's eyes on her, trying to read her expression. Just one night, she promised herself silently before taking Roger's hand. "Don't make me pay for this later," she whispered before leaning in and kissing her ex-husband.

Though surprised by her volte-face, Roger hesitated only a few seconds before responding to her kiss. Her knees got weak as she felt his tongue seeking her own. She started to undo his tie, then his shirt, but before she could undress him completely, Roger sat up and brought her in his lap. "Let me kiss you some more first," he said, burying his fingers in her curls. She nodded and parted her lips again, waiting for him to kiss her, suddenly feeling like a teenager on the verge of her first make-out session. His kisses were soft at first, then grew deeper until she could feel a warm tingling feeling creeping from the depths of her belly. No man could ever arouse her quite like Roger.

She pulled him over her as she laid back on the couch. The weight of his body felt familiar, yet strange. This was Roger, the man she had made love with countless times, but somehow it felt different this time around. There was a tenderness and an attentiveness in his ways that was not there before.

He sighed as he lifted her dress up her thighs and his breath grew more ragged. "God, Holly, you're gorgeous," he managed to say between kisses. As if to answer him, her hips lifted themselves on their own accord to meet his body.

"I need to see all of you," he added feverishly, pulling himself up. He reached behind her and unzipped her dress, which he then pulled over her head. He gazed at her body while she lay beside him, his face flushed with desire. "Holly," he said in a strangled voice before bringing her on the floor with him.

He put the blankets under them and they undressed each other completely. Holly closed her eyes again and felt Roger's mouth on her neck, then her breasts. She gasped as his tongue roamed over her nipples and his hand made its way between her legs. He explored gently, watching her arching her back under his now wet fingers. His hand move expertly, gradually increasing its pressure. When she called his name as she climaxed for the first time, it took every ounce of his self-control for him not to come right there and then.

"I want to make love to you," she heard him say after she somewhat came back to her senses. She opened her eyes and their gazes locked. She realized that, although it was said as a statement, what Roger was really doing was asking her permission. One word from her and he would stop everything. Instead, she simply said. "I want you to."

She parted her legs to welcome him and seconds later, she felt him inside of her. They remained motionless for a few seconds and looked at each other, acknowledging the sacredness of the moment. "Are you alright?" Roger finally asked.

Holly nodded and she could see relief spread across his face. The truth was that it felt so good that she was on the verge of tears.

"Make love to me," she said.

* * *

They made love over and over that night, as if to make up for all those lost years. They made love on her living room floor, then in her bed, then on the floor again. After drifting to sleep sometime after midnight, Roger woke up to find her in the shower, where he followed her and pinned her against the wall, taking her until she thought she would melt unto his body.

He was thrilled to discover that her desire for him, once unleashed, seemed relentless. He pushed away from his mind, as she straddled him and he climaxed for what felt like the hundredth time, the thought that she might just try to get him out of his system.

At one point, when they lay spent on the couch, their sweaty bodies intertwined, they heard the phone ring and the machine pick up. Daniel's voice echoed into the room, announcing that he was stuck at the hospital for the rest of the night. After the voice died, Roger grabbed Holly more tightly and kissed her possessively, then fell asleep.

She lay wide awake next to him, watching his chest slowly rise up and down. Suddenly she knew why sleeping with Roger had felt different tonight. He had made love to her like a man who had lost her once and who was deadly afraid that it would happen again.


	4. The Morning After

Holly woke up with a start and glanced around her dazedly. She could see from the red and golden spots on the living room walls that the sun had just risen. She turned to her right and gazed at Roger, still sleeping peacefully.

She delicately ran her hand on his chest, then down to his stomach. She smiled as she felt scratches underneath her fingers, scratches she had inflicted upon him the night before when she had gotten carried away. She winced as she shifted her weight; she knew without looking that her left thigh was bruised and that her knees were lightly skinned from rubbing too hard against the rug on her bedroom floor. Not enough to hurt; just a delicious reminder.

_I should be feeling so guilty right now,_ she mused. _I should be shit scared of what is going to happen next._

After all, Roger could run right to Daniel the minute he woke up and tell him about their night together, but somehow, Holly could not bring herself to care about the consequences. Not just yet, as Roger still lay naked beside her.

_Then what do I feel? _She wondered inwardly. The answer came instantly as she glanced at her ex-husband. She was overcome with lust.

She knew that she was playing with fire, as Daniel could be coming back any minute by now, but desire was getting the best of her. She slowly ran her hand down Roger's stomach and was about to climb over his body when a loud honk was heard outside. Roger jumped and sat up, immediately wide awake.

"What is it?" he asked.

"Damn! There someone in the driveway, apparently," Holly said worriedly as she picked up her dress on the couch and put it on hurriedly. "I'll go and see; you take your clothes and go dress in the guest room."

Roger nodded and grabbed his clothes while she went to the front door. "Wait, it's the tow truck," Holly said.

They both exhaled loudly, and Holly opened the door to signal to the driver that Roger would be out in a minute.

"We have to talk," Roger said as he tucked his shirt into his pants.

"Not now. Daniel might be on his way and I couldn't stomach any bloodshed before my first cup of coffee."

"Fine, but I'm going to hold you to this," Roger said intently as he walked past her on his way out. Stopping next to her, he looked as if he was going to kiss her, but instead he just shook his head and headed out the door.

Holly slowly walked back into her room where she started to gather the sheets from the bed. She brought them to the washing machine and rested her head against it after she turned it on.

The timely arrival of the tow truck had brought her to her senses. Yes, she had wanted Roger the night before, and maybe before that too, but giving in had been a mistake. One that she would not repeat again. Roger was not the man for her in the long run; he never was.

Taking a deep breath, she walked back to her room and called the hospital. Learning that Daniel was still there, she left a message that she would be right over. Seeing her fiancé was just what she needed in order to get her priorities straight.

* * *

As she walked in the hospital, she could almost feel a scarlet letter burning on her chest. _I'm a cheater. I'm an adulteress. I'm such a BAD person, _she kept telling herself as her eyes searched for her fiancé.

She found him talking to Lilian Raines near one of the operating rooms. Plastering a smile on her face, she marched in their direction.

"Hi, Honey! I brought something to cheer you up after this long night," she said, brandishing a paper bag containing muffins and coffee.

"Smells wonderful," Daniel said, leaning in and kissing Holly on the lips. "You smell pretty enticing too, might I had."

Holly gave out a nervous laugh and motioned him toward the cafeteria. Daniel shook his head and led her to his office. "We'll have more privacy."

"I'm sorry I couldn't get back to your place last night," the doctor said as they took a seat on the couch in his office. "The blizzard kept up us all here. I managed to sleep for a few hours but then when the storm died down the ambulances started to come in and it went crazy for a while."

"It's okay, I understand," was all that Holly could manage to say. She took a gulp of scalding coffee and winced. Daniel glanced at her worryingly.

"Are you alright? You seem on edge."

"I'm just tired. The storm kept me up too." _I can't do this, I shouldn't have come_, she thought. She picked up her purse and forced a smile on her face, again. "I should get going, it's going to be a busy day at the office."

Daniel grabbed her hand to prevent her from getting up. "Wait a minute! You just got here." He put his arms around her and kissed her neck. "Besides, there is something I'd like to discuss with you this morning, something important."

"Okay," Holly said warily. "I'm listening."

"I'd like to set our wedding date. I know you said that you wanted to take things slowly, but we've been engaged for a month now. I'd really like it if we could make a decision on this."

Holly felt the panic rise inside and fought to keep down. After all, she reasoned, what was there to be afraid of? She loved Daniel and had agreed to become his wife. The next logical step was indeed to get married. She pushed aside the thought of Roger and the doubts he had casted upon her relationship with Daniel.

"How about a spring wedding? In early May?" she suggested.

Daniel looked disappointed. "That's too far!" He grinned and took her hand. "I was thinking a Valentine's day wedding. Wouldn't that be romantic?"

Holly swallowed hard and started to protest. "Maybe, but it's merely two months away! There is so much that we need to do before then, I don't think that it's very reasonable."

"We don't need anything fancy. Just you, me, Blake, Ed and Maureen as witnesses and we're set!"

"I don't even have my dress yet! You don't expect me to wear something off-the-rack for our wedding, do you?" Not that it would be my first wedding dress, she thought cynically.

Daniel shook his head cheerfully, knowing he was defeated. "Fine! May it is. Who am I to stand in the way of bridal fashion, right?"

"Right!" Holly said before getting up. She had almost reached the door when Daniel called her back.

"What's that on your legs?" he said, pointing at the raw skin on her knees.

She looked down to hide her embarrassment. "Oh, that. I feel on the ice on my front porch yesterday."

"Do you want me to take a look at it?"

"No!" she replied hurriedly. "It's nothing for you to worry about." She blew him a kiss and closed the door behind her. "Nothing for you to worry about," she repeated softly once she was in the hallway.

* * *

As she stepped into the elevator, Holly did not see Roger come out of Ed's office two doors down. If she had, she would have immediately noticed how annoyed he looked. He had tried to get more information about Daniel's past, but Ed had been less than cooperative. No surprise there.

He resisted the urge to put his fist through the wall as he pondered over his next move. There was really no choice for him but to go to Boston. Lost in his thoughts, he did not see Daniel who was rapidly approaching him. When their eyes met, they were too close to pretend to not have seen each other.

"Don't tell me you've been following MY fiancée again?" Daniel inquired, skipping the greetings.

Roger looked around before he could think better of it.

"Sorry to break your heart, assuming you have one, but she's gone," Daniel added dryly.

Roger smirked arrogantly. How he wish he could slam Daniel's smug face into a bedpan! Or better yet, to describe to him in vivid details how he had made Holly call his name the night before. The only thing that kept his mouth shut was the certainty that he would be putting Holly in danger by speaking up. A jealous Daniel was a dangerous Daniel.

"I don't wish you on anyone, my good doctor, but it doesn't follow that I wish to keep Holly for myself. I'm seeing someone, you know."

Daniel lifted an eyebrow, showing his surprise in spite of himself. "Who's the unlucky lady?"

"Her name is Susan, not that it's any of your business," Roger said as he started to walk away. "A beautiful redhead, but then you know it's my favorite hair color," he could not resist adding before the elevator doors closed behind him.


	5. Great Minds Think Alike

Roger walked into the station with the firm intention of talking things out with his ex-wife. What did the last night mean to her? Surely she would not go through with her with her wedding plans after that?

He stopped by the coffee machine and waited while it sputtered out the brown mud that passed for coffee at the station. He punched the button twice to fill his large cup to the brim; the lack of sleep made it hard for him to focus, and he needed to be alert for the day ahead. He glanced towards Holly's office and saw that the lights were still out. Suddenly, a flash of the previous night passed before his eyes, making him swallow hard. The skin from her inner thighs had been so soft, he recalled, feeling suddenly hot under his suit.

Shaking his head, he forced himself back to reality and went to his office. He would have to choose his words carefully later on if he wanted to convince Holly that her future was with him. She might not know yet that she loved him, but he did. He was sure of it. The way that she had made love to him the night before proved it.

Opening the door, he jolted in surprise and almost dropped his cup when he saw his daughter sitting on the couch. She sprung from her seat and gave him a heartfelt kiss.

"Hi, Daddy!"

"Chrissie, how did you get in here? I locked the door when I left last night."

Blake cocked her head and let out a mischievous laugh. "Oh, I got my ways. After all, I AM my father's daughter."

Roger took a sip of coffee and put it down on his desk with a satisfied sigh. This should do the trick, he thought before he turned his attention back to his daughter. "Seriously, though, how did you get in? I have documents in here that are for my eyes only," he added sternly, thinking of his file on Daniel.

Blake laughed again and stole a sip from her father's cup of coffee. "Don't worry Dad, I didn't pick the lock. You THINK that you locked the door before you left yesterday, but you didn't. I saw you run out after Mom like a man possessed. You didn't even close the stupid door, I had to do that for you."

Roger frowned. He remembered now. He had been so intent of making Holly listen to him that he must have forgotten about everything else. "Fine, apologies are in order I guess. Thank you for looking after your old man."

Blake smiled and waved his apologies dismissively, as if they had not been necessary. "Of course, Dad. Speaking about men being possessed, I'd like to talk to you about Daniel if you have a minute. That's why I waited for you here."

Roger's eyes instantly widened in worry as he sat next to Blake. "Did something happen?"

Blake sat straighter, anxiety also spreading over her face. "You've been worried about him too? Oh, my God! This is worse than I thought then! You know, at first I thought I was imagining things, and Mom kept accusing me of being jealous of her happiness, which I thought might be the case, but now that I see that you agree with me - "

Roger cradled Blake's face in his hands and interrupted her. "Slow down, sweetie, I can't keep up! What happened exactly?"

Blake took a deep breath. "I was able to observe him when I stayed with Mom, because we were often all together. At first, I just thought he was the weird scientist type, but then I started to notice things that he said or did, and it got me scared."

"Like what?"

"For example, before I moved out last week, we started getting anonymous phone calls at Mom's place."

"Really?" Roger said, suddenly even more interested. He was instantly persuaded that the phone calls were no coincidence and were meant for Daniel.

"Yes, and I could tell that even though he tried to downplay the whole thing, he was very upset by them. One night, when he didn't know I was in the house, I actually heard him scream and hurl the phone across the living room after one of those calls. He left right afterwards and the same night, there was a new phone on the coffee table. That's when I decided to leave, but now I almost regret it because I don't know what's going on over there anymore."

Roger patted her on the knee. "Don't fret about that. I appreciate that you worry about your Mom, but I want you to be safe too," he said, even if the thought of Blake staying over Ed's garage left him with mixed feelings. "What else did he do?"

"Well, sometimes it's just the way he reacts to things. Whenever your name comes up, he goes batshit crazy. He tries to hide it, but I can see it in his eyes, and I think that Mom is starting to see it too, even if she denies it. I can feel that he makes her uneasy at times."

Roger nodded thoughtfully. "I've been doing some research on Daniel myself," he finally said. "I've hired an ex-colleague from the agency to give me a hand. Her name is Susan, and she's very good at digging corpses from people's past, if you will allow me to put it that way. She came up with disturbing information about Daniel. I don't want to get into the details with you until I have all the information, but I'm on his case, don't you worry."

Blake stared at her father and looked as if she might cry. This was so much worse that she had suspected at first. "Dad, you have to tell me what's going on! What did he do?"

"I'm sorry, Chrissie, but the less you know the better."

"What if he does something to Mom? I don't trust him to be alone with her anymore."

"He loves her, at least he does in his own twisted way. He won't hurt her as long as he thinks that she loves him too."

Blake squinted quickly at her father. "You don't think that she does?"

"I'm not sure," he said cautiously. "I hope not."

Blake's face broke into a wide smile and she threw her arms around him. "Because YOU still love her! Oh, I knew it Dad! I've seen the way you two have been acting with each other since I started working here."

"Oh, yeah, you have?" Roger replied, grinning in spite of himself.

"She's way too edgy when you're around for her to be indifferent, even if she's not aware of her behaviour. As an outsider though, I can clearly see it," Blake retorted confidently. "But what about you? When did you realize that you still had feelings for her?"

Roger drank the last of his coffee, trying to gain time before answering. It was a difficult question.

"I'm not sure, honey. It sneaked up on me, so to speak." He put his cup down and glanced at his daughter. He knew how much Blake yearned for her parents to get back together, but he did not want to give her false hopes. There were also some feelings in his heart regarding Holly that he felt were too private to discuss, even with family.

"When I last saw your mother fifteen years ago, I was convinced that I hated her for taking you away from me," he finally added. "I was certainly very angry at her, desperate and, let's face it, a little unhinged back then. So when I finally saw her again for the first time after all these years, I was just blown away."

Blake stared silently, hanging to his every word. She perfectly recalled the day that the three of them had met again and would for the rest of her life. It had been a little bit more than two years ago, the day she was supposed to be married to Philip Spaulding. Her father had been rushed to the hospital after being shot by Phillip's father, Alan. That was the day that Springfield – and Holly – had learned that Roger Thorpe was still alive.

"I can't describe what I felt when she came into that hospital door. The feelings just came rushing back in my heart, all of them. I remember thinking how beautiful she had become. Mostly, though, I felt ashamed, and that shame overshadowed everything."

He averted his eyes for a few seconds before starting again.

"You know what I did to your mother."

Blake nodded, immediately knowing that he referred to the rape. She hated to think about it. She wanted so much to think of her father as the ultimate hero, but the rape always got in the way of that. Deep down, she was also dimly aware that it was at the root of so many problems that she had with her mother. Her mother's anger was a constant reminder of her father's failure. If only her mother could find it in her heart to forgive her father, then maybe he could be redeemed in her eyes as well and truly become the perfect father.

Meanwhile, Roger had kept talking. "I had a lot of time to think about that while I was with the CIA, and Lord knows I atoned for that sin. However, it's one thing to repent when you think that the person that you hurt is lost to you forever, but it's quite another when she's standing right in front of you, looking as if she would like to see you dead. I never thought in a million years that I could ever winning back your mother's love, so I block the idea from my mind entirely from the start."

"But you have changed your mind, haven't you?"

"Well, I had forgotten how small a town Springfield was, and there was you also that tied us together, whether we liked it or not. I tried to stay away from her, I really did. I got married to Alexandra, and I really thought at the time that this marriage stood a chance."

Blake snorted. "Whatever."

Roger winked and went on. "But it really seemed like the world conspired to throw your mother and I in each other's company. First in Costa Verde, then in Acapulco."

"You never told me what had happened down there!"

Roger let out a little laugh. "Let's just say that it was the first time in our entire life that your mother and I have been perfectly honest with each other. This trip did a lot to heal our relationship."

"But it also destroyed Mom's engagement to Ross. Oh, no one is telling me anything, but I'm not stupid. I can put two and two together, and I know that the reason Ross walked out on Mom is because of that week in Acapulco."

Roger shrugged. "It was, although I'm sure they had other issues as well. I guess I should be sorry for that, because I know that your mother was very fond of him. Call me selfish; I don't regret a thing. This trip was a lifesaver for me, although it took me a while to see that. It wasn't until then that I stopped loathing myself from what I had done to Holly, because she had finally forgiven me."

"She still looks pretty angry to me," Blake deadpanned.

"Good point, but I don't think that she's angry for the same reason now."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I think that she might actually be mad at herself, not at me."

"Why would she be mad at herself?"

"Because of her feelings for me. She and I have spent a lot of time together since I've started to work at the station full-time. We've grown closer, and I can see that she's struggling with that fact. She'd rather died than admit that she could still love me, but Blake, I have to make her realize it before it's too late!"

"I agree, but how? Not only do you have to convince her, but you also said before that Daniel will go berserk if Mother leaves him, and I think that you're absolutely right about that," Blake said worryingly.

Roger caressed his daughter's hair reassuringly. "I'm not sure yet, but I do know that I have to talk to your mother as soon as possible."

"About what you found out about Daniel?"

Roger blushed. "I told her about that already, but yes, I want to go over that again, and some other things as well."

Blake looked at her father with curiosity, but he did not explain himself any further. "Can I help?" she finally asked.

"Actually, there is something that you could do for me," Roger said, struck with an idea. "I can't disturbed while I talk to your mother. This is what I was thinking about," he said before laying out his plan to his daughter.


	6. The Editing Room

Blake waited until Holly had downed her first coffee to come to her office.

"Hello, Mother," she said tentatively while she stood in the doorway. They had fought a lot over Daniel in the last weeks, and she was afraid that Holly was still angry at her. She was therefore relieved when her mother motioned her to come in.

"Hi, Honey. Are you all settled in your new apartment?"

"Yes, I am. It's a very nice place, I'm sure I'll be comfortable."

"That's great!" Holly replied, stifling a yawn. "I'm sorry, I didn't get enough sleep last night."

Just like Dad, how interesting, Blake felt like adding. She wisely decided to keep the comment to herself. "I'm sorry to hear that. Listen, I thought we might go over the footage for the documentary on Springfield's soldiers who fought in the Gulf War today. I want to be sure that we promote it right."

"Sure. Why don't you grab the tape and meet me here in five minutes?"

"Let's go watch it in the editing room instead. The footage hasn't been transferred to VHS yet, so it will be easier there."

"Fine," Holly said before getting up. She grabbed another cup of coffee on the way and followed Blake in the elevator. Her mind kept coming back to Roger, knowing he was in the building somewhere. How would she react when she saw him again after what happened between them, she wondered? Lost in her thoughts, she absent-mindedly made her way behind Blake out of the elevator and into the basement until they reached the editing room door.

"Mom," Blake called out to her, startling her out of her reverie. She followed her daughter's gaze and gasped when she saw Roger sitting at the editing desk.

"Dad, what are you doing here?" Blake asked in her best imitation of innocence.

"I came to have a look at the documentary, since the editor isn't in today. I see we had the same idea," he said, his eyes on Holly.

"Yes, we did. Why don't you rewind it to the beginning then and we can all watch it together?" Blake suggested.

"Actually, would you mind letting your mother and I take a first look? There are some financial matters related to the project that I'd like to address with her."

"I don't see why Blake should go; she's not the competition," Holly said calmly, although she felt anything but. Hot drops of sweat began to run down her back.

Before she could add anything else, Blake had already retreated toward the door. "It's fine, Mom, I don't mind. I have a ton of other things to do anyway. See you later!" she said before hastily closing the door behind her.

Holly turned to her ex-husband with a raised eyebrow. "You made her do this, didn't you?"

"Yes, but don't be mad at her, she only wants to help," Roger said, pulling a chair for her.

"You didn't tell her about last night, did you?" Holly asked with a hint of panic in her voice.

"Of course not! This is nobody's business but our own," Roger said. He waited until she calmed down to add, "Blake is concerned about you and Daniel, just as I am, and she just wanted to help me to talk to you."

"Only that's not exactly what you want to discuss, is it? You want to talk about last night."

"Yes. I told you this morning that I would hold you to this talk, and I meant it. I'm not ashamed that I went to Blake for help either. I know you well enough to know that you would have tried to weasel your way out of it otherwise."

Holly averted her eyes guiltily. He was right; she had planned on skipping the conversation if she could help it. She felt it would only confuse her more.

"I'm not sure that there is anything to talk about, Roger," she said with a sigh.

Roger scoffed impatiently. He had been prepared to argue with her, but this really took the cake. "Nothing to talk about? You're engaged to one man and yet you spend an entire night making love to another! I'd say there is food for thought here."

"I DID think about it! I've been thinking about nothing else since this morning."

"Well?" Roger said, facing her. "Are you still going to deny there is nothing going on between us?"

Holly took a deep breath. Even then, as upset as they both were, she could feel the attraction between them. The most unsettling part was knowing that he felt it too. Whenever a certain hush fell between them, as it did now, she could tell exactly what was on his mind.

"I won't deny that there is something between us," she said, choosing her words carefully. "But it's the same thing that there always was: lust."

She got up and crossed the small room. "My body wants yours, it always has since I've known you," she said, her back to him. "And I've mistaken it for love once before, but look where it got me! I won't do that same mistake twice."

Roger sat rooted in his chair, hardly able to stand her words. "You can't mean that," he said in a low voice.

She faced him and saw the hurt in his eyes. He look devastated. "Oh, Roger!" she said as her expression softened. "I'm not deliberately trying to hurt you, contrary to what you may think. You're the one who won't leave it alone! You wanted me, and now you had me. Can't we just leave it at that? Why can't you let me go?"

"You know why!"

Holly rubbed her face wearily. This conversation was going nowhere. "Listen, I know it's hard to hear, but last night was nothing more than a one-night stand. I needed to get you out of my system, that's all."

She turned his back on him again, hoping that he would leave, but instead he walked up so as to stand right behind her, so close that she could feel his breath on the nape of her neck.

"Oh yeah? How did that work for you?"

She froze and he could practically feel the electricity between them.

"I love it when you wear your hair up like that," he added in a husky voice before brushing a finger up her neck. Before she could talk back, one of his hands glided on the fabric of her blouse until it took hold of one of her breast, while his other hand slipped inside her skirt. Her knees buckled under her and she leaned forward on the wall not to fall down. Roger pulled her against him and buried his face in her hair with a moan.

"Don't you see how your body opens up to me?" he whispered before spinning her around so that she would face him. "Every time."

He leaned in and kissed her until she put her arms around his neck, and then he lifted her on the desk. "You say that there is only lust between us," he went on in the same hushed voice, "but it's so much more."

He kissed her again, feeling her skin growing hot under his touch. He let go of her mouth to trail down to her neck, leaving her free to gasp for air. She didn't protest when he started to undo the first buttons from her blouse; instead she grabbed him by the belt and pulled him closer to her.

"God, Holly, you're driving me crazy!" he panted. He freed her left breast from her bra and stroke it while finding her mouth again. His kisses were becoming more passionate and he knew that he had reached delicious point where he was about to lose control. He just hoped that Holly was right there beside him.

As if on cue, she interrupted their kiss and pushed him far enough for him to look at her. "Lock the door," she simply said, sending his heartbeat through the roof. Locks of hair had escaped from her do and her half-naked chest heaved heavily; she had never looked lovelier to him then at that moment. He turned and fumbled hastily with the lock on the door, then stuck a chair underneath the doorknob for good measure.

When he turned back to her, he saw that she had gotten rid her blouse altogether. He wrapped her legs around his waist and pressed his hips against her lap, leaving no doubt as to what the sight of her was doing to him. He unclasped her bra, feeling the lace between his fingers, before dropping it on the TV set on the desk. She arched her back so that his mouth could reach her breasts, moaning as he teased each one of them in turn.

When she could take it no longer, she reached blindly for his belt and unzipped his pants, while he stripped her of her pantyhose and her panties. He then grabbed her by the waist, and never letting go of her gaze, entered her. He pulled her close against his chest and leaned his forehead on her shoulder.

"Lust cannot survive on its own for twenty years, Hol," he said hoarsely, punctuating each sentence by a slow thrust and a kiss. "There has to be love underneath it all…and I love you…I do…I fell in love with you all over again when I came back to Springfield."

Holly gasped as she gripped his back more tightly. She was barely able to think, let alone formulated a reply. All she knew was that she would probably die if he stopped. She lifted her hips so that he could reach even deeper into her.

"You love me too, I know that you do," Roger said again. "It couldn't feel this good if you didn't."

He increased the pace before Holly could find the words to answer, and what felt like a glowing ball of pure pleasure slowly began to form inside both of them, expanding and taking over their bodies until they had to muffle their cries with each other's mouth.

"Roger!" Holly finally cried as she collapsed in his arms, her whole body shaken by her orgasm. Roger followed soon after, digging his fingers into her skin with a strangled cry.

They stayed locked in their embrace for a few more minutes until Roger reluctantly pulled out of her. He wished that he could stay like this forever, silently holding her in his arms, but he knew Holly well enough to know that she would not let him for too long.

"Why did you have to do this, Roger? What can't you just let me be?" he heard her whisper against his shoulder.

He took a step back to look at her. "Because I was trying to make you see that we're meant for each other. He pulled up his pants and zipped them up. "Because I couldn't help myself."

Holly hopped down from the desk and put on her bra, then her blouse. "You talk as if you have no will of your own when it comes to me," she finally said.

"I can't help the way that I feel about you, that's true. Your pantyhose are a bit torn, I'm afraid," Roger said as he handed them to her.

Holly sighed and threw them in the wastebasket, under strands of unused film. "It's fine. I always keep a pair in my office." She stuffed her panties in the back pocket of her skirt and waited until he had finished to tuck in his shirt before pulling the chair from under the doorknob and unlocking the door.

"Will you at least think about what I said? About it not just being lust?" This was only a baby step, he knew, and it killed him to have to move so slowly when time was running out, but it was better than nothing. Besides, he knew that he risked losing Holly altogether if he urged her too much and too soon. He had tried it before and failed every time.

Her hand rested against the doorknob and she looked away before answering. "I can't. I mean I won't. I'm getting married to Daniel on Valentine's Day, Roger."

"What?" Roger asked before his throat could close altogether. "When did you set a date?"

Holly looked ashamed. "This morning. I went to see him to the hospital after you left."

It felt to Roger as if the air had been entirely sucked out of the room. "You have got to be kidding me," he said, feeling the anger mount inside him.

"I know it's not the best time to break it to you, but it's best that you know where we stand."

"Where we stand?" Roger almost shouted. "You can't just fuck me and then leave me hanging, Holly! I'm not your sex toy like I used to be when you were married to the good doctor Bauer! I want more from you than that. When are you going to grow up and own up to what you really feel inside, for Christ's sake?"

Holly faced him and he could see in her eyes that he had gone too far. "Grow up? Are you really trying to make me out to be the bad guy, here, when you're the one who can't leave me alone? I've just been unfaithful twice in the last few hours, something I had sworn that I would never do again after cheating on Ed! How do you think that makes me feel about myself?" she said, tears mounting in her eyes.

Roger's fury vanished as quickly as it had appeared and he tried to take her hand, but she would not let him. "Well, doesn't it say something about where we all stand? If you can sleep with me, then maybe your relationship with Daniel is not what you thought it was."

"What I did was wrong! I wanted you but I should have stayed away. I haven't changed my mind about Daniel; I AM going to marry him, so from now on I want you to stay away from me."

Roger stared at her, not wanting to believe at first that he had heard right. "Fine," he finally said in a steady voice. "But you can't stop me from proving that he's not the man for you. And I will get proof before your wedding, you can count on it. Whether you and I are destined to be together or not, I want you to be safe."

He walked past her and opened the door. "And you don't have to worry about me laying a finger on you either. Next time something happens between us, you will have come to me."

* * *

_For those of you who are well acquainted with that storyline, I could not resist having sex in the editing room. I remember the scene in which they were stuck together in that room, and I remember that you could cut the sexual tension with a knife!_


	7. Who's Really on Your Mind?

"So, how did it go with Mom?" Blake asked Roger on the phone later that night. "I didn't see you for the rest of the day."

Roger stood next to his desk in his apartment, making whiskey swirl around in his glass. "Not good, Honey. I'm afraid that she wouldn't believe me about her crazy fiancé." He took a sip and put the glass down with a thud. I am also afraid that she broke my heart, he felt like adding.

He could hear the disappointment in her voice when she replied. "I'm so sorry, Daddy. What are you going to do now?"

"I'm leaving for Boston tomorrow to try and get to the bottom of Daniel's past. I still think that I can convince your mother if I have hard evidence. She's no fool, even if she's in love with that man, she'll leave him if she knows beyond a doubt that he's a criminal."

"She's not in love with him, Dad! She only thinks that she is because it seems like the right thing to do!"

Roger sighed. "I don't know, Chrissie. I hope you're right." He recalled the end of their conversation in the editing room, and the way she had dismissed the idea that she could actually be in love with him instead. She had sounded so sure. Could a woman as bright as Holly be so misguided about her own feelings?"

The doorbell rang, bringing him back to reality. "I have to go, Blake, but I'll keep you posted as soon as I get back. I love you."

He hung up and went to the door, hoping against hope that it might be Holly. Instead, Susan Thompson walked in briskly, a file under her arm.

"Hello Roger. You got one of those for me?" she said, pointing at his drink.

"Sure. Have a seat," he said while fixing her a glass of whiskey. "Neat?" he asked over his shoulder.

"Of course," she replied, opening her file and spreading some papers on the coffee table for them to go over. Roger soon joined her and studied her pensively as she prepared the documents. He had not planned on mentioning her existence to Blake, even less so to Daniel, but he reflected that it was not such a bad idea after all. Susan was certainly attractive, with her light auburn hair, her baby blues and her full lips. She could convincingly pass as his love interest if need be. And if that made Holly jealous, he could not help that, could he?

"What do you have for me?" he asked when she seemed done.

"Not much, I'm afraid. I've been looking over the police report of Daniel's lover, Carol Donaldson, though, and something struck me as odd."

"What?"

"I'm not sure. Something about the officer's declaration felt off, but I can't put my finger on it yet. At this point, I'd say it's simply a hunch on my part."

Roger sighed. It was not much to go on, but then Susan's hunches were often spot on. There might be hope. "Okay, see if you can dig a little deeper in that direction. I'll be leaving for Boston tomorrow myself to try to speak with the husband of that Carol Donaldson, and her family too. You said that she still had living relatives?"

Susan checked her notes. "Yes, a sister. Her name is Jean Wetterill, and here is where you can reach her," she replied, copying the phone number and address on a slip of paper which she handed to Roger. "Are you sure that you want to implicate yourself in that way? I could easily go myself, you know."

"Thanks for offering, but I need to do this personally. I want to see the expression of these people's faces when I speak to them about Daniel. It's the only way to get to the bottom of things. Besides, Holly already knows about my plan, so it's not as if I had to hide it from her."

"Yes, but Daniel doesn't know. What if one of these people call him and let him know that you're trying to nail him for that woman's death?"

Roger looked at her pensively. "It could send him over the edge, you're right about that. Even if I use a fake identity, they could still describe me to him and he'd figured it out quickly enough. I still want to go, though."

"You could use a disguise. I remember that you were pretty good with face molds back then with the CIA," Susan suggested.

Roger laughed, remembering some of the characters he had to impersonate over the years. "I could go as a Mrs. Doubtfire type, what do you think?"

"Slendid idea!" Susan retorted with a smile.

"You should come too, just in case I need backup. Meet me at the airport tomorrow."

Susan took it as her cue to leave. She gathered her papers and put them into the file. "No problem. And get a good night sleep's tonight, will you? You look like hell."

"I feel like hell too, thanks for noticing," he said sarcastically as he led her to the door. "The plane leaves at ten AM. Don't be late."

She gave him a look. "Please. I'm used to be an agent. I don't do late."

Roger closed the door behind her and went back to the couch. He picked up the newspaper in an effort to take his mind off Holly, but threw it back on the table as soon as he saw the front page. He had forgotten that the article on WSPR's upcoming war documentary was to be published that very day. Holly and he had posed for the cameras a few days before, and he now remembered how thrilled he had been to put his arm around her waist and to get away with it.

So much had happened since then that it seemed like a lifetime ago. He could not believe that he had come so close to win Holly back only to lose her for good. He could make her change her mind about Daniel, he was sure of that, but that was not enough. He wanted her to love him back, and unfortunately, he could not make her change her mind about that. He could only hope that she would do it on her own.

* * *

Meanwhile, Holly was standing in front of her bathroom sink at her house, trying to calm down. If she did not get out of there soon, Daniel was bound to get worried.

Dinner had been an excruciatingly long affair where she had to pretend that everything was fine, and now she was so tired that she did not trust herself not to blurt out over dessert that she just had sex on a desk with her ex-husband.

I'll be able to deal with it tomorrow, she mouthed to her reflection in the mirror. I'm just sleep-deprived, that's why I feel so emotional right now. Besides, she thought as she splashed water into her face, today was the last time I ever slept with Roger. Time will go by, and soon it won't be so hard to look into Daniel's eyes again.

When she finally came out of the room, she saw that the lights were out in the living room.

"I'm over here, Honey!" Daniel called out to her from the bedroom.

She dragged her feet down the corridor, almost wishing that she could crash on the couch until she felt like she was in control of the situation again. Instead, she came into her room with a weary smile on her face. Daniel was already under the cover, reading one of his magazine on neuroscience.

"You looked exhausted so I made an executive decision and put the dessert away. Come here," he said, putting the magazine on the nightstand.

A fresh wave of guilt washed over Holly. Daniel was devoted to her, what couldn't she be satisfied with that anymore, like she was at the beginning of their relationship? She changed into her nightgown and slipped under the covers.

"Do you mind turning off the light?" she said as she turned on her side.

"No problem," Daniel said before complying. He turned on side so as to spoon her body with his and slowly slid the straps off of her nightgown. He then started to kiss her neck, gently brushing his lips on her skin.

At first, Holly tried to relax into his touch, but pushed him away after a few minutes. "I'm really tired, Daniel. I'm sorry."

"I'm tired too, but since I wasn't here last night…" his voice trailed off and bent over her again, this time kissing her on the lips.

Maybe I can do this, Holly thought as she closed her eyes. Or maybe not, she realized after a graphic flashback of Roger and she in the shower overcame her. She gently wiggled out of Daniel's embrace and put a hand on his chest.

"I really mean it, Daniel. I'm not in the mood for sex tonight."

Daniel said and fell back on the bed. "Okay, Holly, what is going on?" he asked in a suspicious tone.

"What do you mean? Do we have to have sex every time that you feel like it?" she replied defensively.

"Hey, there no need to be aggressive here! It's just that it's been happening more and more lately that you're not in the mood. I just wondered if maybe I was doing something wrong."

"No! You're very good, you always were. It's nothing like that."

Daniel prompted himself on one elbow and Holly could feel him stared at her in the dark. "So there IS something? Please tell me, Holly. I want to make it right!"

She bit her bottom lip; she could kill herself for not being more careful. She decided to go with a white lie. "Work has been really stressful lately, that's all. It's hard not to think about it at night sometimes."

She heard Daniel snort. "I bet that the fact that Roger is always around doesn't help either. Has he flirted with you again? Do you need me to tell him off?"

"NO! I mean, no, there's no need. Roger has been leaving me alone since the last time that you confronted him." Except here, in this bed, and in the living room and also in the shower. And let's not forget the editing room. She picked up a pillow and put it over her head; she felt like screaming.

Daniel peered at her in the darkness for a few minutes, a dubious expression coming over his face. "If you say so. Goodnight, Holly."

"Goodnight," she muttered from under the covers.

Drained as she was, she fell asleep almost instantly, whereas Daniel lay wide awake next to her, troubled by their conversation. An hour passed where he tossed and turned, trying to reason with himself. Roger was not a threat; Holly hated the guy! This was the man that had raped her and tried to take her child away from her. There was no way that she would ever want to go back to him.

Somewhat reassured, he was about to fall into a deep slumber when he heard Holly mutter something in her sleep. "What is it, Honey?" he asked in a low voice, not wanting to startle her. He bent over her face to hear what she was mumbling and when she repeated the word, he felt as if his blood had turned to ice.

She had just called Roger's name.

* * *

Several hours later, a noise from the kitchen woke Holly up with a start. She looked over her shoulder and saw that the other side of the bed was empty. Thinking that Daniel might be fixing himself a midnight snack, she sluggishly got out of bed to go to the bathroom.

She was about to make her presence known in the hallway when something stopped her in her tracks. Daniel was in the living room, pacing to and fro, his face flushed with fury. Tears were streaming down his face, but Holly could not tell if they were of rage or sadness. In his hand, she recognized the edition of that day's newspaper. She saw her picture smiling back at her, but where Roger should have been was now a gaping hole.

Daniel had ripped his face apart and was crumpling it in his other fist.

Her mind racing, Holly silently backtracked into her bedroom. No matter how she turned the problem in her mind, there was no way that Daniel could have learned about her infidelity in the last few hours. Why was he so jealous if he had nothing to suspect? More to the point, was his reaction normal?

Holly shuddered as she recalled the expression in his eyes. Something was definitely wrong with her fiancée.

Could Roger have been right all this time?


	8. Boston

Fortunately for Holly, Daniel had to leave for the hospital before the sun was up. She waited in bed, pretending to sleep until he was gone. As soon as the door closed, she realized that she had been holding her breath.

Something had to be done, she thought, because there was no way that she could go ahead with her wedding plans until she knew if Daniel was simply overeager or a complete psycho. She might be overreacting, but after the way she had seen him act the night before, she thought that it was better to be safe than sorry. She took a quick shower and considered her options over black coffee and dry toasts.

She could go to Ed. He had had his own reservations about Daniel in the past. She could also go to Ross, who was after all the district attorney. She knew for sure that they would listen to her, but then what could they concretely do? Or rather, what would they be willing to do? These two always went by the book.

There was only one man who would do whatever it took to get to the truth, and that man was Roger. She still was not sure of his motivations - did he truly love her or did he just want to win over Daniel? - but at this point, she did not care; she had to know if her fiancé was a murderer.

She picked up the phone and dialed the number to Roger's apartment, only to get the answering machine. She then called his office at the station. Brenda, his assistant, picked up the phone.

"Brenda, hi, this is Holly. Is Mr. Thorpe around by any chance?"

"I'm sorry, but he just called and said that he would be out of town for a few days."

"Oh, to Boston I presume?"

There was a short pause at the other end of the line. "Yes. He said that I could tell you where he was, and Miss Thorpe too, but that that if anyone else should ask, I was to say that he had gone to New Orleans."

"Do you know when his plane is leaving?"

"He didn't say, but I should think this morning."

"Do you know where he will be staying?"

"I'm afraid not."

Holly thanked her and hung up. She glanced at her watch and saw that it was just past eight. There was still a chance that Roger was at the airport, waiting for his plane. She would have to hurry.

* * *

Less than an hour later, she rushed through the airport terminal, scanning the crowd for any sign of her ex-husband. She finally spotted him in the waiting lounge and dropped on the chair beside him.

"Thank goodness, I found you!" she said, trying to catch her breath.

Roger gave her an astonished look. "What on earth are you doing here?"

"I'll explain later. I have to be on that plane with you. Which one is it?"

Roger gave her his departure information and watched her as she briskly walked to the ticket counter. He was soon joined by Susan, who was returning from a trip to the coffee machine.

"You should really quit smoking," he said as she sat in the chair Holly had just vacated and lit up a cigarette.

"Can't help it, it's my only joy," she replied somewhat sarcastically.

"I'm not taking care of you when you get lung cancer," he said, amused in spite of himself by her carefree attitude.

"Don't fret, chances are whiskey will kill me first anyway."

From the corner of his eye, Roger saw Holly make her way back to the lounge with her ticket in hand. He hastily said to his ex-colleague, "Holly is coming with us, I'm not sure why yet. Wait for my cue before discussing our plan with her, okay?"

Susan took a drag and winked. "Got it."

"Here she comes."

Holly slowed her pace when she saw that a woman was seated next to Roger and that the two obviously knew each other. She quickly appraised Susan while rearranging her features to put a smile on her face. The woman was definitely attractive in a voluptuous kind of way. Her auburn hair cascaded in thick, bouncy curls behind her back, and her features were, if not classically beautiful, undeniably striking. Holly presumed that she must be a few years younger than herself and wondered what her relationship with Roger could be. Knowing Roger, the stranger was too pretty for him not to have noticed, and she realized with a small pang that it bothered her.

She finally joined them and Roger immediately offered her his seat before making the introductions. "Susan, this is my ex-wife, Holly. Holly, Susan is my…travelling companion."

Holly raised an eyebrow, obviously waiting for more information, while Susan hid a smile. She knew that Roger would not discuss their project and risk blowing her cover in such a public place, but she also suspected that a part of him enjoyed making Holly jealous. The most hilarious part was that it obviously worked.

"Nice to meet you, Susan," Holly finally offered when Roger did not say more. "Roger, I came because – "

He raised a hand to interrupt her. "Let's wait until we arrive to discuss any of this, shall we? In fact, I think it's best if we travel separately from now on. We can meet at the hotel as soon as we land."

"Where are you staying?" Holly asked, wondering if Roger's travelling companion would also be his roommate.

Roger looked into his inside pocket and handed her a card of the Mandarin Oriental Hotel.

"Not too shabby," Holly mumbled before putting the card in her purse. She got up and picked her luggage. "Well, I'll see you there, then. Have a safe trip," she said to both of them with an icy smile.

Susan waited for Holly to be out of earshot before letting out a slow whistle. "She was NOT happy about me being here."

Roger shrugged and tried to appear indifferent, but he could not help breaking into a satisfied smile. "I can't really help that, can I?"

"You can't, but you certainly seem very pleased with yourself."

"I've tried about anything else to win her back, maybe making her believe that she's about to lose me might do the trick."

"Maybe," Susan said dubiously as she put out her cigarette. "I'm not pretending to sleep with you though."

"But we could share a suite? That ought to get her mind going," Roger said half-jokingly.

Susan nudged him in the ribs with a falsely exasperated grunt. "Grow up, Roger."

"So, what did you think of her?"

Susan glanced at him and burst out laughing. "You sound like a teenager who has just introduced his first love to his mother!"

"Well, she is my first love, in a way," Roger replied simply. "Besides, your opinion matters a lot to me."

Susan grew serious. "She's attractive. Very attractive. As you told me before, there is something about her, something mysterious."

"Coming from you, I'll take that as a compliment."

* * *

The three of them met later that day in Roger's room, which, Holly soon learned, he did not share with Susan. They had agreed at the front desk that they should all stay on the same floor, and it turned out that three adjoining rooms were available.

"Okay, Holly, why did you come?" Roger said as he handed cups of tea to both Susan and her.

He caught the uneasy glance that Holly threw to their companion and waved his hand to dismiss her reservations. "Susan is an ex-agent from the CIA. We have worked together for years and I sometime still ask for her input on certain matters, like this one. You can speak freely in front of her."

Holly sighed inwardly, thinking that he certainly always picked the pretty ones.

"Daniel has been acting very erratically last night. He was…scary."

Roger's face became a mask of concern. "Did he hurt you?"

"No, but he's very jealous of you, Roger. More than I thought." They both gazed at each other for a few seconds, both thinking that Daniel had very good reason to be.

"So I thought it best to get away from him for a few days, and since I'd like to know what you come up with, I thought that I should come with you to Boston. I have to know what happened to that woman."

"And you will. You did good to come with us, but we'll have to decide how involved you can get. I don't want you to be in any more danger than you already are."

"You mean that I already could be. There's no proof against Daniel yet."

Roger scoffed. "Not yet."

Susan, who had been observing them until then, suddenly got up and decided that it was time for her to take the floor. "Okay, here's the plan that Roger and I discussed last night. The name of the deceased is Carol Donaldson. We will first go and see her husband, who is chief-of-staff at the Mass General Hospital. It might be tricky to get him talking, because he learned about his wife's affair shortly before she died, and I guess his pride took a beating in the process."

She took a sip of tea and continued, "Then we will go and see Jean Wetterill, the woman's sister. She said in her deposition that she was pretty certain that Daniel was behind the whole thing, and that it was not a suicide but a murder."

"That's the easy part, because we can assume that these two will be on our side," Roger said to Holly, "and so I think that you could come with us if you wanted to. Lastly, we will meet with Ray Bellevue, the officer who was in charge of that case."

"If there was something fishy in this investigation," Susan explained, "then chances are that this man is responsible. We have to find out why."

"And we can't let him know who we really are, in case he gets in touch with Daniel."

"How do you plan on hiding your identities?" Holly asked.

Roger patted a small metallic case resting on the bed. "We'll be wearing disguises. You'll have to sit that one out, I'm afraid. It's too dangerous."

Holly could not help but protest. "No offense, Roger, but how will I know that you're telling the truth about what he said? We both know that you'd like nothing more than to see Daniel guilty."

"We could record our conversation," Susan suggested. She looked at Roger who nodded. "Would that satisfy you, Holly?" he asked.

Holly shrugged, knowing that they were right about the fact that she should stay out of sight. "I guess it will have to."

* * *

Holly got back to her room and took a long hot shower. She then went through the content of her suitcases, shaking her head all the while. She had been in such a hurry when packing that half the clothes she had brought were not suited for the trip at all.

She finally settled on a navy silk dress for dinner and threw on a gold chunky necklace and matching earrings. She glanced at herself critically in her bathroom mirror and decided that the outfit passed the test.

With a deep breath, she then sat by the phone for the two calls that she had been putting off since arriving in Boston.

"Ross Marler," said the first voice at the other end of the line. The calm, steady tone of her friend soothed her immediately and she felt that she could breathe better.

"Hello Ross, it's Holly."

"Hi, Holly! What can I do for you?"

Holly hesitated for a few seconds before answering.

"I have a favor to ask you. It's about the equipment that you said was for sale at this TV station in Boston."

"Yes. Do you need me to contact the owner? The offer was sent to me, but since I'm no longer co-owner of WSPR, I thought that you would rather I didn't interfere."

"No, it's not that, I'll deal with it myself. If anyone should ask where I am, though, could you tell them that the TV station is in Detroit?"

There was a silence at the other end. "Why?" Ross finally asked.

"I needed to get away from town for a few days, and I don't want to be tracked down. The story I left at the office is that I'm looking into that deal in Detroit, and I would appreciate if you could corroborate my story if need be. I'm sure no one will ask; it's just a precaution."

"Holly, I don't like this one bit. Are you okay?"

The concern in his voice made her waver for a few seconds and she considered telling him the truth. Then again, if this all turned out to be a storm in a teacup, she will have been the one falsely accusing Daniel, her own fiancé. It was best to keep quiet for now.

"I'm fine. I just need the time away."

"Who's likely to ask? Does Blake know where you are? Does Daniel?"

"No one knows."

"Is it Roger? Is he harassing you?"

Holly let out an exasperated sigh. The way people immediately assumed that Roger was the villain was starting to get on her nerves, even if half the time she agreed with them.

"He's not harassing me, and he won't be asking for me, so you don't have to worry about him barging into your office anytime soon, alright?"

Again, there was a long pause before Ross answered, his voice suddenly stony, "How do you know he won't? Is he with you?"

"Ross, I am asking you, as a friend, to trust me on this. Please tell anyone who ask that I'm in Detroit and that to the best of your knowledge, I'm alone."

"He IS with you. Good God, Holly, what is going on?"

Holly ignored his question. "Can you promise me? As a friend?"

She heard a noise on his end that sounded very much like a fist banging on a table. "You are putting me in a very awkward position, you know that?"

"I promise that I will tell you everything as soon as I get back, but right now, my safety depends on you backing my story."

"This is against my better judgment."

"Please."

"It goes against all my instincts."

"Please!"

"Fine."

Holly ran her fingers through her hair, relieved. "Thank you, Ross. I owe you."

"Don't make me regret this."

"Never. Goodnight."

She hung up and counted to ten before making her second call. Daniel answered on the second ring. "Hi, Honey, it's me."

"Holly! Sorry I'm missed you this morning."

His voice was as steady and loving as usual, and she wondered for a split-second is she had imagined the ripped newspaper and the tears of rage.

"Yes, me too," she replied with a sure voice that surprised her, "especially since I have to be out of town for a few days."

"Really, why?"

"The station has had an offer to buy equipment from a station in Detroit, but it has to be concluded this week because they need to clear their warehouse. Roger could not go, so here I am."

"Oh, okay." The relief in his voice when she had mentioned that Roger was not involved was unmistakable. "When are you going to be back?"

"I'm not sure, but if all goes well it should be the day after tomorrow."

"Do you want to stay over the weekend and I could come and meet you up there? It could be fun!"

"No, I'd rather come back to Springfield as soon as possible." She swallowed hard and then added, "We have a wedding to plan, remember?"

"How could I forget? I love you, baby."

"Me too," she said before putting down the phone. Did she, though? She wondered. It seemed to her like she did not know anything anymore.

* * *

There was a tap on the door a few minutes later, and she found Roger standing on the other side, wearing a black shirt and grey silk pants. He heart leapt in spite of herself, as she had privately always thought that black was the colour that suited him best. Especially now that his hair had turned grey.

"Would you like to have dinner with me?" he asked with a grin. He knew that he was nowhere near of having Holly back, but at least she was doubting her relationship with Daniel. It was a start, and if it turned out to be only that, than it was better than nothing. The last thing that he wanted was for her to get hurt.

She picked up her purse and followed him to the hall. "Is Susan joining us?"

"No, she said she had someone to see tonight. It's just the two of us."

They reached the elevators but when Roger continued walking, Holly asked," Where are we going?"

"To my suite." Seeing the shock on her eyes, he stopped. "I thought you understood that we can't be seen together while we're here. Even the hotel restaurant might be risky. I was thinking about ordering room service for both of us, but if you'd rather dine alone, I understand."

Holly blushed. After their last conversation in the editing room, she should have known that Roger would not try to lure her into bed anytime soon. Still, the thought had immediately crossed her mind. It must have occurred to him too, even if he had no intention of acting upon it.

"It's fine with me, I just didn't realize, that's all. Besides, I don't want to be alone tonight."

She suddenly looked so frail that it took all of Roger's might not to take her in his arms. Once in his suite, he offered her a drink and they perused the menu before settling on pizza and red wine.

"And two triple-chocolate slices of cake," Roger added to the order before hanging up. He returned to the couch and shot Holly a worried look over his drink. "How are you holding up? You seemed frazzled."

Holly stretched her shoulders tiredly. "I don't know how I feel. This week has been one of the strangest in my life, and today takes the cake. A few days ago, my life seemed perfect. I was on my way to marrying my fiancé, a prominent and bright young doctor, who loves me, and now…"

Her voice trailed off and she looked outside the window and into Boston's harbour.

"And now?" Roger prompted softly.

"Now, there is a possibility that my fiancé is a criminal, and I have been unfaithful to him."

"And we all know how you feel about that," Roger could not help but reply dryly.

She glanced at him sideways. "I don't have the energy to get into this tonight."

"Me neither. I'm sorry."

They were interrupted by a knock at the door. Five minutes later, they sat at the dining room table, two slices of pepperoni and cheese pizza on their plates. They ate in silence for a few minutes.

"Listen, Holly, I just want you to know that everything is going to be alright, okay?" Roger finally said between two mouthfuls. "I won't let anything happen to you, I promise."

"What if you're wrong and Daniel is innocent?"

Roger washed his food down with a sip of red wine. "Then you can go back to your life with him…if that's what you want."

Holly nodded pensively. "You certainly pulled all the stops to get to the truth. I guess I should thank you, even if it ends up to be a dead end."

"I don't think that I'm wrong about this, but we'll see. There must be a part of you that believes it too, or else you wouldn't be here."

Holly could only nod. He was right, something deep inside her had led her to follow Roger to Boston, and not to go to anyone else for help. "Well, thank you for helping me," she said again.

"There's nothing that I wouldn't do for you, Holly. Nothing." They stared at each other before Holly looked away. "Susan looks like a very capable woman," she began again after a few more bites.

"She's the best."

"Have you known her long?"

Roger took the last bite from his pizza and wiped his finger on his napkin. "Let's see. I came to the agency in 1980, and she joined two years later. So yes, it's been a while now. Do you want to eat the cake here or in the living room?"

"The living room."

They brought the wine and the cake back to the couch and Roger put some music on before sitting down again.

"Did something ever happen between you two?" Holly finally asked.

Roger looked at her, his eyes wide in surprise. "My, you sure don't beat around the bush at this time of night!"

Holly shrugged. "She's sexy, and I know you. I just wondered, that's all."

"I don't kiss and tell, you should know that by now," Roger replied mischievously. "But I can ever only love one woman at a time, Holly, and these days it's not her."

Holly shot him a look. Did that mean that he had been involved with Susan or not? She hated when he played with words like that. She turned her attention to her chocolate cake and took her first bite, letting the fudge melt on her tongue with a satisfied sigh. She repeated the manoeuver a few times, savoring every bite with her eyes closed until she felt Roger's eyes on her.

His mouth was slightly agape and he seemed to be holding his breath. And just like that, the old tension was back again.

Holly put her unfinished slice of cake on the coffee table and got up. She did not trust herself to be alone with Roger anymore. This might turn out to be a real problem if she went ahead with her wedding, she thought dimly, but she pushed the idea from her mind. She would have to deal with that later.

She made her way to the front door and turned to Roger, who was following her with a frown. "I'm beat, I should really get some sleep."

"Okay."

They both reached for the doorknob and their hands brushed against one another, sending shivers up their arms. They were standing so close that Holly could actually feel the heat coming from Roger's body. She half-closed her eyes, knowing that she would be incapable of pushing him away if he decided to kiss her.

She did not have to make a decision, however, because Roger soon took a few steps back, letting her open the door for herself. "I can't do this, Holly. Not tonight."

"I know," she said with a mix of disappointment and relief.

"Not until you're sure that you want more than just sex."

"I know," she repeated, her eyes on the floor.

When she was gone, Roger leaned against the door. "I have my own heart to take care of too," he said out loud. "If only you could say that you loved me, everything would be different."

* * *

_Some of you might notice that I took elements from the real show to integrate them into the story, for example the part where Ross got a deal for equipment for WSPR!_


	9. A Bit of Advice

Holly woke up with the sun the next morning. She put on a robe and went to sit by the window, hoping that this time alone might allow her to put some order in her thoughts.

This trip to Boston was going to define her whole future.

Here she was with her ex-husband, trying to determine if her fiancé had once killed a woman out of jealous rage. If he was guilty, the next step was easy as far as her heart was concerned: she would walk away. She could not love a murderer.

If he turned out to be innocent, however, her path was not as clear. Since sleeping with Roger, her mind had been working overtime, trying to process what she felt for both men. As the days went by, some hard truths were emerging, truths that she could no longer ignore. One of them was that Daniel had always been more in love with her than she with him. He had been the one pushing for an engagement and for marriage all along, while she could have satisfied herself with the casual dating they did at the beginning.

Why accept his proposal, then? Maybe because it felt good to be wanted again after the debacle with Ross. Maybe because she was tired of being alone. Or maybe, she thought with some embarrassment, because she had wanted to piss Roger off.

As to her ex-husband, her feelings were still muddled.

While watching the sun emerge from the Atlantic, she enumerated out loud what she knew for certain with the hope that it would help her entangle the rest.

"I know that I don't hate him anymore, and I know that I'm attracted to him…and that's all I know," she muttered with a sigh of frustration. She knew that what she was feeling was intense, but she was not ready to recognize it as love. As to the possibility of them ever sharing a future together, it was out of the question as far as she was concerned. She shuddered only to think of the way that people would react if she ever did.

And yet, a small voice said inside of her, did he not prove to you in the last few years just how much he loves you? Was he not the one who secretly invested in WSPR when you could not afford to keep it alone? Was he not the one who had refused to sleep with you out of respect in Acapulco? Was he not the one who had kept silent when you had tried to smother him with a pillow when he had first came back to Springfield?

Would it be so crazy share her life with a man like that?

She shook her head and glanced at her watch. It was time to get ready for their appointment with Doctor Donaldson, the husband of Daniel's late lover. She was looking through the closet for a suitable outfit when there was a knock at the door. She was surprised to see Susan, holding two cups of coffee.

"Mind if I come in?" the latter asked with a smile.

"Of course not! Please do."

Susan handed her one cup and sat on the armchair near the window. She crossed her legs and looked at the view for a few seconds, apparently looking for the best way to begin the conversation. "You must wonder why I'm here," she finally said.

"A little," Holly admitted.

"I'm with Roger on this whole thing, I really think that Daniel has something to hide. The way we handle the next few days will be crucial when it comes to your safety, so it's important for you to be able to trust me. I want us to get along."

"What makes you think that we don't?" Holly said a little defiantly.

"The fact that you look like a woman who fears that I'm sleeping with her ex-husband."

For a few seconds, Holly was too stunned to speak. "Are you?" she finally asked.

"No, I am not. I'm a happily married woman."

"And before you were married?"

Susan shook her head, "Nope, never happened. Roger and I don't have that kind of relationship." She glanced at Holly who was now sitting on her bed. "My! Don't we look relieved!"

Holly reddened, embarrassed by Susan's accuracy. "You never sugar-coat anything, do you?"

"I prefer to call them like I see them. It's pretty obvious that something is going on between you two."

"What did Roger tell you?"

"Not much. He said that he loved you and that he wanted you back, and that your fiancé was a nutcase. Oh, and when we were at the agency he also told me about the things that happened before he fell off that cliff. He didn't sugar-coat that story either."

She glanced at Holly, who was staring at her hands. "Roger was my buddy from the start, he was my first friend at the agency, but I have to say that he has been a regular asshole to you. When he told me what he had done, I was so mad at him that I didn't speak to him for weeks."

She took a cigarette from her purse and searched around for matches. "Oh, and I punched him in the face and broke his nose. You see, someone did to me what he has done to you."

She stopped what she was doing and looked at Holly. The latter swallowed hard to keep inside the tears that were threatening to overflow. She suddenly had a new respect for this strong, no-nonsense woman.

Susan finally found her matches and asked Holly if she could smoke. She then lit her cigarette, took a long drag and exhaled away from Holly. "I won't go into my own story now, but I wanted to tell you how being Roger's friend helped me cope with what had happened to me, as crazy as it may sound. Sometime after our fight, we were assigned to a case together out of the country. We had to make peace because our lives literally depended on it, and so we did. In order to do that, though, I had to understand what could push him to do such a thing."

Holly shook her head. "I don't think that there is anything to understand about it, believe me, I tried!"

"That's what I figured out. We talked and talked about it, but he couldn't come up with an explanation. I think that he still doesn't understand half of what he did in those years. All I know is that the more we talked, the more I saw how he was hurting and how profoundly unhappy he was, and had been for years. In the end, that's what made me forgive for what he had did to you."

She glanced at Holly and took another drag. "Now, I know that it's much easier for me to forgive him than for you. I never saw the guy who raped me, he was a stranger, but if our paths ever cross again I think I might yet just kill him. Probably not, though. You see, talking to Roger also helped me deal with my own anger and my own pain."

Holly clasped and unclasped her hands. "What are you telling me all of this? Besides the fact that you want us to get along, I mean."

"Because I see that you're tormenting yourself about Roger, about whether or not you should give in to whatever you're feeling. I want to tell you that Roger has changed. I saw his evolution first-hand; this guy is not the same that came in the agency eleven years ago. He's much more at peace with who he is, and he had learned to channel his aggressiveness to better purpose. You don't have to be afraid of him anymore."

"I know, not physically anyway."

Susan chuckled. "He can still be a conniving son-of-bitch when he wants to, that's true. It comes in handy with the CIA, but I can understand that it could make a romantic relationship difficult. All I know is that he really loves you, Holly. Only you can bring out the best in him. What you do decide to do with that is up to you."

Holly put her head in her hands. "I'm so confused about everything right now. A few weeks ago, when Roger first came to me with the idea that Daniel was dangerous, I thought he just wanted to get revenge on him, or that he wanted to ruin things for me, because he could not stand to see me happy with anyone else. Now, I don't know. He said that no matter what happened between us two, he wanted me to be safe."

She inhaled deeply and sat up straight. The latter lit up another cigarette with the butt of her first and sat more comfortably. "Then there is Daniel. I feel like I don't know him anymore, and I'm not..." She paused and looked at Susan. "I'm not sure if I love him enough to get married to him, even if he turns out to be innocent. He loves me though, I'm sure that he does."

"So, let me get this straight. You have two men that would lay their life at your feet in a heartbeat. Must be hard being you," Susan said. Holly gasped but then saw the twinkle in Susan's eyes and they both started to laugh.

"I'm sorry," Susan said. "I know that you're in a difficult situation right now, but I find that it helps to de-dramatize things."

"You're right!" Holly said before laughing again. "I don't know what I'm going to do, though."

Susan glanced at her watch and got up. "Well, the next thing that you're going to do is getting ready for our first appointment. It's okay not to have all the answers right now, Holly. Don't worry, life has a way of sorting itself out. You'll see."

"Let's hope so. And Susan?"

"Yes?" Susan said from across the doorway.

"Thanks for the talk."

* * *

_To Amy: When I first started writing this story, Susan was actually supposed to be Susanne from the show. Then I remembered that I didn't not like her either, and so she became Susan. I just got lazy on the name picking :)_


	10. A Coindence and A Relapse

The office of Doctor Donaldson, chief of staff at the Massachusetts General Hospital, was strangely impersonal. There were no pictures, no work of arts, not even a potted plant. Every object in the room had a practical purpose.

"Looks like a lively man," Roger said to Holly while they waited for the doctor to come back from a meeting. It was decided that Susan should wait for them at the hospital's cafeteria, because Roger feared that too many people in the room would make the doctor even more uncomfortable.

Before Holly could reply, a man in his mid-fifties came briskly into the room. Tall and with steely grey hair, he looked like an efficient but not an unkind man. He shook hands with both Roger and Holly and sat at his desk.

"I have to say, Mr. Thorpe, that when I first received your request, I was inclined to turn it down, but then curiosity got the best of me. What can I do for you?"

"I know that the death of your wife must still be a very painful subject to you, and so I would like to thank you first of all for agreeing to meet with us."

The doctor nodded.

"We would not be here unless we had a very good reason," Roger resumed, "and I'll go straight to the point since I know that you are very busy. Daniel St. John is now living in Springfield, Illinois, which is where Mrs. Lindsey and I both come from."

At the mention of Daniel's name, the doctor fell back in his chair, his face closing up instantly. The change did not escape to either Holly or Roger. "Go on," he eventually said.

"There have been rumours that he might have been involved in your wife's accident, and so –"

"The police concluded to a suicide," Doctor Donaldson interrupted curtly.

"Do you agree with their conclusion?" Roger asked just as bluntly.

"Doctor Donaldson," Holly added, "I am engaged to be married to Daniel. If you have any doubts that he played a part in your wife's death, I would really appreciate if you could let me know."

The man looked at Holly and his features relaxed slightly. He let out a sad sigh and seemed to make a decision. "Daniel was one of the most promising residents that this hospital ever saw. He was my protégé. I thought he was extremely ambitious and eager to learn from me, qualities that I admired a lot in him. That is, until I discovered that he was having an affair with my wife."

He rubbed his face wearily while Holly and Roger exchanged a quick glance.

"How did you find out about the affair?" Holly asked softly.

"Carol, my wife, told me. She came home one night and came clean about everything."

"Why did she decide to tell you? Couldn't she just end to affair and keep quiet?" Roger said, wondering aloud.

"She told me because she was starting to be afraid of him. He was becoming possessive, telling her that everyone should know about their love and that they should be able to be with each other out in the open. "

"Did you forgive her once she came to you?" Roger asked.

The doctor cleared his throat. "I want to make something clear. My wife has been good to me, even if I know that it was not always very easy for her. I was almost never there and running this hospital was my priority. If she felt the need for male companionship once in a while, who was I to punish her? I loved her, and I know that she loved me, so I looked the other way. These other men never meant anything to her, certainly not Daniel."

"So you don't think that she would have killed herself when he supposedly tried to end things with her," Roger said.

The doctor only scoffed dismissively.

"But what about the pills that she overdosed on? She was on antidepressants, wasn't she?" Holly inquired. She hoped against hope that Daniel might still be innocent. The alternative was just too horrible to contemplate.

"Mrs. Lindsey, all people that are depressed are not automatically suicidal. Besides, my wife was taking antidepressants for her anxiety, not depression. She would never have killed herself."

His tone was so decisive that Holly did not dare ask any more questions.

"If you're so sure that your wife did not commit suicide, then how come you did not go to the police?" Roger asked.

"Don't you think I did? Oh, they listened to me, and then they did their little investigation and that was that. What else could I do? I had no proof, and I still don't."

"Just a gut feeling," Roger muttered.

The man got up, signalling that the meeting was over. He kept Holly's hand in his for a few seconds and looked her straight in the eyes. "Flee. That's my advice."

* * *

Holly stumbled blindly out of the office and took a few unsteady steps in the corridor. She felt panic constricting her chest and found it hard to breathe evenly.

"Are you beginning to believe me now?" Roger asked as he followed her.

She turned to him and burst into frantic tears. Roger closed the distance between them and took her into his arms. "I'm sorry, Holly, really I am," he whispered as he stroked her hair.

"No, you're not," she blurted out between two sobs. "You've been trying to convince me for weeks. You must be happy now!"

"I'm never going to be happy to see you hurting, Hol, never!" He held her at arm's length to make eye contact. "Look at me. I will keep you safe from him, I promise."

"How?"

"I don't know yet, but I'll find a way." He wiped a tear from her cheek and smiled. "Let's go find Susan and then we'll pay a visit to Jean Wetterill, okay?"

Holly shook her head. "You go without me, I need to take a break from all this."

"Are you sure?"

Holly looked into his eyes. "Yes, I trust you now. I know that whatever this woman tell you, you'll tell me, even if she has proof that Daniel is innocent after all."

Roger squeezed her hands and nodded. "What are you going to do in the mean time?"

"I'll go look into that equipment deal that I told you about. The station is not too far from here."

"Alright, but please lay low and go straight to the hotel afterwards. Susan and I will go meet the police officer, Ray Bellevue, after the sister, but we'll be back in time for dinner."

Holly sniffled and smiled weakly. "I'll meet you at your suite."

* * *

Once outside, she put her sunglasses on and walked the few blocks separating the hospital from CKWT, one of the city's local television stations.

The brisk walk did her good but did not totally succeed in calming her frayed nerves. She had no definite proof of Daniel's guilt, but little doubt subsisted in her mind. Somehow, the doctor had sounded too sure for her to question his judgment.

She entered the station's reception area and asked for the manager, a certain Cassie Kennedy. She was then ushered into the station itself and told that Mrs. Kennedy would be with her shortly. The room was bustling with activity and the familiar atmosphere instantly soothed her. Minutes later, a tall blond woman made her way towards her, extending her hand to greet her.

"You must be Holly Lindsey. I'm Cassie Bellevue," she said.

The name made Holly flinch. Had she not just heard it earlier that day?

"I thought your name was Kennedy," Holly said as the woman led her across the newsroom to her office.

The woman smiled and opened the door for her. Hers was a corner office with a breathtaking view of the harbour. "Kennedy Bellevue," she explained. "I got married two months ago and my colleagues aren't used to it yet I'm afraid."

"Is the name very common in Boston?"

Cassie tossed her curly hair and seemed to think for a few seconds. "Not that common, but then again Boston is a big city, so my guess is that we must be a few thousands at least."

"Of course," Holly said.

Cassie handed her a bound document and kept a copy for herself. "These are the technical specifications for every piece of equipment that we want to part with. How about we go through the document and then you can tell me if you're interested?"

"Sounds great."

They spent the best part of the next hour discussing the material and after some bargaining, Holly opted to buy two cameras. They were agreeing on the shipment logistics when the phone rang, interrupting them.

"Cassie Bellevue. Oh, hi, sweety!"

She smiled and Holly could tell from her tone of voice that she was speaking to her husband. She zoned out, her mind wandering back to Roger and Daniel until she heard Cassie hung up the phone.

"You sound very in love," Holly remarked with a smile.

"I am. I don't want to gush or anything, but I feel so blessed to have this man by my side. And to think that I almost didn't meet him!"

"What do you mean?" Holly asked, suddenly intrigued.

"We met at the hospital while I was visiting my sister who just had a baby four years ago. He was recovering from a gunshot wound that almost got the best of him." She shuddered at the memory.

"How terrible!"

"Indeed, but he was very lucky. He got caught in a crossfire in a bad neighborhood and nobody lifted a finger to help him even though he was bleeding to death. If it hadn't been for that young doctor who happened to pass by, he was a goner."

"So the doctor saved his life?"

"Singlehandedly! He was amazing, and I think he was still a resident at the time. My husband wanted to introduce him to me when we started dating, but by then the man had quit the hospital and moved to India, so I never got the chance."

Holly blinked several times, as she had received a blow. "India?"

"Yes! It's rather a long way to finish your residency, don't you think?"

Holly swallowed hard. "Why did you say that your husband was shot again?"

Cassie shot a loving glance at a picture on her desk which Holly could not see. "He's a police officer! Didn't I mention that before?"

* * *

The rest of the meeting was a blur to Holly. She walked out of the station in a stupor and took a taxi straight to the hotel, where she lay on her bed as she waited for the others to come back.

Hours passed and she fell into a light slumber which was punctuated by nightmares about crashing cars. The phone finally rang, waking her up abruptly.

"Yes?" she said, out of breath.

"We're back," Roger replied. "Can you come to my room?"

She hung up without answering and quickly walked down the hall to Roger's suite. She found Susan and him packing up the wigs and other props they had used as their disguises. They both looked discouraged and tired.

"I'm afraid we still don't have anything definite," Susan said to Holly. "The sister was adamant that Daniel was guilty, just like the husband, but she had not concrete proof either."

"The meeting with the police officer was another matter," Roger added. "We passed ourselves off as FBI agents to intimidate him, but he just stuck to his story anyway. I know that he was hiding something, though. I just couldn't get him to spit it out!" He clenched his fists in frustration.

"I agree with Roger, the man was lying," Susan said as she took a small tape recorder from her purse. "Do you want to listen for yourself?" she asked Holly.

Holly took a deep breath. "That won't be necessary. I know he was lying."

Susan and Roger both turned to her. "What?" Roger eventually said, taking a step in her direction.

"He owes his life to Daniel. That's why he's covering for him." She told them in a few words about her meeting with Cassie Bellevue, and they all sat for a few minutes in stunned silence.

"This is it," Susan said. "This is the last piece of the puzzle."

"What do I do now?" Holly asked in a small voice. "I can't go back to him."

"No, but you can't leave him either, at least not before we come up with a contingency plan," Roger replied. "I need to think about this. Do you mind if I call it a night?"

Susan put a comforting arm around Holly's shoulders. "Not at all. Holly and I will eat in my room and spend a girls' night in." She picked up her purse and poked Roger's in the chest before walking to the front door. "In the meantime, you come up with a genius idea. We have to know what to do before when we land in Springfield tomorrow!"

* * *

"I'm coming! Keep your pants on!" Roger called out several hours later while he hurried to the front door. He took a step back when he saw Holly on the other side, wearing nothing but her nightgown and a robe she had obviously thrown on as an afterthought. She had a troubled look in her eyes.

He looked up and down the hallway, thankful that it was deserted. "Holly! It's 3AM, what are you doing here?" he said in a low voice.

"I can't sleep. I can't stop thinking about Daniel and what he did. Will you please let me in? I really need to talk right now."

Roger hesitated. "Can't it wait in the morning?"

Holly shot him a desperate look. "No, it can't! I knocked at Susan's door first but she just sleepwalked to the door and told me to put a sock in it. Come on, Roger, are you going to make me beg?"

Roger sighed and ushered her in. "Of course not."

He grabbed a thick bathrobe on their way to the living room and handed it to her. "Put this on, will you? I can see from here that you're shivering." I can also see the outline of your breasts in that nightgown and it's driving me crazy, he added inwardly.

"Would you like something to drink? Herbal tea? Warm milk?" he offered when she was nestled comfortably on the couch.

"I don't think herbal tea would do the trick," she said gloomily.

"Something stronger then?" he suggested.

She shook her head and patted the cushion beside her. "Forget about drinks, will you? I just want to talk."

Roger sat next to her and they both stared ahead. The curtains were still opened and the harbour lay before them, its myriad of lights shining in the darkness.

"My life is a mess," Holly finally muttered.

"It's not good right now, I'll grant you that," Roger retorted flatly. "But look at the bright side; at least you know Daniel's true nature now. It's best that you found out today than after five years of marriage, don't you think?"

"I'd rather he wasn't a murderer at all, Roger."

"Well he is, and now we have to deal with that."

Holly glanced at him sideways. "We?"

"Yes, we! You're not alone in this, surely you know that. Susan and I, we will do everything to get you out of this mess. I think that I have a plan, but I want to make a few phone calls when I get back to make sure that it's going to work."

Holly nodded thoughtfully and they both fell silent again. "Are you feeling at least a little bit better knowing that?" Roger asked a few minutes later.

"A little, but do you know what would really help?"

He was about to ask when she leaned in and kissed him softly on the lips. "This," she said after pulling a few inches away from his face.

"Holly, no," Roger protested half-heartedly. She ignored him and cradled his face with her hands, this time pushing her tongue past his parted lips. They remained side to side for a few minutes, kissing more and more passionately before she straddled him, shedding off her first bathrobe.

"Why are you doing this to me?" Roger moaned when she finally broke of the kiss.

"You said that if I wanted you, I would have to come to you," she whispered as she untied his bathrobe belt and parted the sides away from his chest, "so here I am." She ran her hands up and down his torso and leaned over him to tease one of his earlobes. She could instantly feel his erection against her lap.

"That's not what I meant and you know it," he panted, while she got rid of her second robe, which left only her filmy black nightgown. "God, Holly!" he pleaded, closing his eyes, "Why are you doing this to me?"

"Because I can't help myself," she murmured, echoing his own words from the editing room. She grabbed the back of the couch with both hands and deliberately pushed her hips up and down his lap, feeling his desire literally grow underneath her.

Roger opened his eyes and gazed at her face. She had thrown her head back and her curls fell down her back, her lips were parted and her eyes closed. He wanted that woman like he had never wanted anyone in his life, and there she was, offering herself to him. Chances were she would walk away yet again in the morning, but still he could not find the strength to push her away.

"I know what you're after," he said in a ragged tone. "You want me to make you stop thinking, to take the fear away, is that it?" he said, grabbing a fistful of her auburn air, causing her to snap her eyes open. "Yes," she replied, "that's what I want."

"Then you've got it," he said fiercely. With one hand, he lifted her by the waist while he stripping out of his pyjama bottom with the other. He then lowered her slowly onto him.

"Roger!" she gasped. She tried to lift herself back up his shaft but he held her firmly into place. "You might be on top, Hol, but I'm the one in charge tonight," he said while running his hands up her thighs. He pulled her nightgown over her head and tossed it on the floor. He then brushed the tips of his fingers against her breasts, cupping them briefly before making his way down. He slid a hand between their two bodies and started to stroke her while trusting into her, pushing his hips up and down.

She put her hands on his shoulders for balance and threw her head back as they began to move rhythmically, losing track of time, as if in a trance. Holly's breathing became increasingly ragged as she finally neared orgasm. She bent forward and looked him in the eyes. "Kiss me, Roger, I'm going to come."

Roger groaned but instead of obeying, he pulled out of her and moved aside. "Not yet," he said. He pulled her up the couch and led her to the unmade bed, where he fell on top of her. Pushing her legs apart, he entered her while holding her hands over her head. He began to thrust into her again, lifting her thighs so that he could reach deeper, until he heard her breath running wild in his ears and felt like he was about to explode. "Now," he cried, seconds before they came together.

They lay panting one on top of the other for several minutes until they finally caught their breath. Roger opened his eyes and gazed at Holly. Her eyes were still closed but there was a serene smile on her lips.

"What are you thinking?" he inquired softly.

She half-opened her eyes and winked. "That this sure beats the hell out of herbal tea."

Roger burst into laughter and fell down on his back. "Well, glad I could help."

* * *

The three of them met in the lobby the next morning to check out of their respective rooms. Holly appeared last, her tired features betraying her lack of sleep.

"Bad night?" Susan inquired sympathetically while Roger was out of earshot.

Holly cocked her head on one side. "Actually, no. I took a page from your book and decided to live in the moment for once."

Susan raised an eyebrow and looked at Holly, then at Roger. "I see. Just don't overdo it, though, he's not as tough as he looks," she said. Her turn came up at the desk and she left Holly to ponder over her words.

She turned and saw Roger who was coming back with a large coffee. "We're not speaking," he said coldly before she could open her mouth.

"Why not?"

He took a step in her direction and faced her angrily. "Why not? Because you sneaked out of my room last night like a criminal. What is it? You couldn't bear to wake up next to me, is that it?"

Holly sighed. "I kept tossing and turning and I was afraid that I was going to keep you from sleeping, that's all."

"Oh, really?" Roger retorted derisively. "You used me."

"I think I was pretty clear about what I wanted out of you last night."

Roger felt like screaming. "You are TOO much sometimes!"

"Poor Roger," she snapped back, "having hot, sweaty sex all night again. Well, excuse me if I can't find it in me to pity you right now. My fiancé is a psycho and I'm not even sure that I'll survive the upcoming week. I have REAL problems, okay?!"

She walked away toward the exit, not waiting after them, while Roger stood rooted to the spot.

"I heard that," said a voice behind him. He turned to see Susan smirking.

"So you two slept together," she stated in an amused tone.

"She made me," Roger said crossly.

"She MADE you? What, she forced you?" she asked sarcastically.

Roger cleared his throat. "Well, not exactly, but you know what I mean."

Susan patted him on the back. "I know, I'm just messing with you. Don't be too hard on her though, she doesn't know which way is up right now. And who can blame her, really?"


	11. A Practical Solution

"Where do you think you're going?" Roger asked Holly a few hours later. She had just picked her bags from the luggage carousel at Springfield's airport and was obviously going to leave without saying goodbye. They had not spoken since leaving Boston a few hours ago.

Roger grabbed Holly by the arm and she faced him coldly. "I thought we weren't talking," she replied.

"We're not, but you're still coming to my place."

Holly was about to protest when Susan walked past them, luggage in hand. "Yeah, you're coming, Holly. And you two better patch things up real quickly, because this fight of yours is getting old."

Holly and Roger exchanged a look and followed the ex-agent into a taxi.

They only had time to take off their coats at Roger's apartment before someone rang the doorbell. Roger looked into the peephole and opened the door.

Mallet and Ross stood on the other side, their faces a mix of curiosity, annoyance and suspicion. "You wanted to see us?" Ross asked Roger curtly. He raised an eyebrow when he saw Holly but said nothing.

"I did. As I told you this morning, Holly needs our help." Roger said. "Why don't you all go to the living room and help yourself to the bar. I'm still waiting for a two people."

The party complied but all settled on sparkling water, except Susan, who poured herself a scotch. Roger soon appeared flanked by Blake and Ed. "Mom!" Blake cried before hugging and sitting by her mother.

Roger stood in the middle of the room, demanding silence before introducing Susan to everyone. "We have no time to lose, so I'll go straight to the point. As some of you know, I have suspected for a few weeks now that Daniel St. John has been involved in the murder of his lover four years ago in Boston -"

There was an instant clamor covering the end of his sentence.

"That's preposterous! Daniel is my brother's best friend!" Ross exclaimed. "We've been through this before, Roger, and Daniel has nothing to hide!" Ed added, while Blake covered her mouth in horror. Only Mallet and Susan remained unaffected by the sudden tension, waiting patiently to see what Roger would have to say.

"Will you just listen to me for one second?" Roger shouted impatiently. "Or if not, would you listen to Holly?" He glanced toward his ex-wife, who cleared her throat before speaking.

"I have to admit that I was also very skeptical about Roger's accusations until yesterday. However, given Daniel's recent attitude towards me, and what we just found out in Boston-"

Ed's eyes went from Roger to Holly and he couldn't help but interrupt. "You two were in Boston together? When?"

"We just came back. What we discovered what…really unsettling," Holly said before she told them everything that they had learned from the chief-of-staff, Jean Wetterill, Ray Bellevue and, most importantly, Cassie Kennedy Bellevue.

When she was done, they all remained in dismayed silence for a few minutes.

"This doesn't look good," Ross admitted.

"Not for Daniel, but even less for Holly," Mallet said. He popped a mint into his mouth and seemed to think for a second. "There's no proof against Daniel, and even if there were, we could not investigate ourselves. The Boston police would have to be in charge."

"I know that," Roger said. "What I'd like to know is what CAN we do?"

"Nothing, unless of course Daniel confesses to the murder."

"I will be working on him, but if I show my hand, I need to know that Holly will be protected. Once Daniel knows that I'm on to him, there's no telling what he might do in order to keep her."

Ross scratched in head, obviously upset. "We cannot offer her police protection and you know it, Roger. Not as long as there has been no accusation. As far as the law goes, Daniel is innocent."

"Holly, why don't you just simply call off the engagement and set Daniel loose?" Ed suggested. "He doesn't have to know that we suspect him of anything and you can both go your own way."

Holly smiled sadly. "I wish it was that simple. If I do that, I might end up like that poor Carol Donaldson, and frankly, that's not a chance that I'm willing to take."

"Then you will have to hide until we nail him. I don't trust any bodyguard to be enough to keep you safe." Roger said while looking her straight in the eyes. The glance lingered for a few seconds too long, a fact that did not escape Ed.

"You can stay at my place," the latter proposed. "Blake can come and see you anytime and it won't look suspicious."

"I don't think this would be a good idea, Ed," Mallet intervened. "You could be putting Michelle and Maureen in danger. Besides, Holly has to go where Daniel will never think to look for her."

"That also rules out my place, I guess," Ross observed.

"I know what I could do," Holly suddenly said.

They all turned their eyes on her. "I could just stay here," she simply said.

* * *

Before the meeting was adjourned, Mallet and Ross promised to contact their colleagues of the Boston police to see if there was something else that could be learned about the way the investigation had been conducted. That way, they might be able to reopen the case. It was a slim chance but it was worth making some calls. Ed said that he would keep tabs on Daniel at the hospital as best as he could.

The three of them left together and Mallet took his leave in the underground garage while the two friends stayed behind for a few more minutes.

"I can't believe that Holly would actually be willing to stay under Roger's roof for any amount of time," Ross began.

Ed shrugged. "It's the most practical solution, I guess. Blake can visit her and she can go on running the station, since she's going to see Roger every day. Oh, and she can go on having sex with him too," he added, seemingly as an afterthought.

Ross stopped in his tracks. "I beg your pardon?" He looked more closely at Ed and could now see the anger behind his facade. "Tell me you're not serious."

"I know that look in her eyes. I've seen it once before, and that's when she was cheating on me with him."

"Don't you think that your mind is running wild here?" Ross said, sounding skeptical.

"I know Holly almost better than I know myself. Beside, you could cut the tension between them with a knife."

"If that's true, how can you be taking this so calmly? We have to get her out of there!"

"No, we don't! There is no way that I will let them suck me back into their drama. Maureen would leave me if I did, and I wouldn't blame her. And the same goes for you, Ross. Don't you remember why you broke things off with Holly in the first place?"

"Because I was afraid that something like this would happen," Ross mumbled dispiritedly. Even after leaving her, a part of him was still hoping that Holly meant it whenever she swore that she hated Roger. Now it looked that she had been lying to him, and maybe even to herself.

"I may look as if I don't care, Ross, but on the contrary, I do. That's why I can't get involved, not even a little. If I stay too close to the situation and I see that he's hurting her, like he's bound to do, than I might end up doing stupid things, like drinking again. That's just not an option for me."

"What are you going to do then? Cut her out of your life?"

"I don't know. All I do know is that HE cannot be in my life."

"Nor in mine. God, this is such a screwed up situation."

"One we both knew was going to come sooner or later, Ross, if we're being truly honest. I'm starting to believe that only death could do them part, and since Roger did not die fifteen years ago down that cliff…"

"…They were bound to be together again," Ross concluded.

"I just hope she doesn't regret it."

"How could she not?" Ross wondered before getting into his car. "From Daniel to Roger! Talk about jumping from the frying pan into the fire!"

* * *

Meanwhile, Susan, Blake, Holly and Roger had stayed behind to discuss the rest of the plan.

"We have to find a plausible explanation as to why Holly had to stay out of town for a few more days," Susan said.

Blake turned to her mother. "You could tell Daniel that it's taking you longer than expected to close that deal in Boston."

Holly shook her head. "I told him it was in Chicago, remember? Besides, I'm afraid Chicago is too close to Springfield and I'm afraid that he'll insist on coming for the weekend."

"Could you be having a family emergency? A relative that has fallen ill somewhere outside of Illinois?" Susan inquired.

"There is always my mother in California," Holly said doubtfully. She looked at Roger, silently asking for his input.

"He might call at your mother's house or at the hospital. I have a better idea. Do you remember that broadcaster's annual meeting that we decide to skip?" Roger said.

"The one in New York?"

"Yes, it starts in two days. You could just say that you had to go after all. We'll register you for real and book you a hotel room in case he calls for you there. Blake, do you mind taking care of it later today at the office?"

"I'm on it," his daughter replied, only too happy to help.

"But what happens when he does call at my hotel? They'll tell him that I never showed up."

"That's easily taken care of. Susan will go and pretend she's you."

"I'm a great actress AND I have the right hair color for the part!" Susan said with a wink.

"She'll tell us whenever he leaves a message and you can call him back from here."

Holly breathed deeply. "Okay. Do you think that we can actually pull this off?"

Roger smiled. "I'm sure we can. The hardest part will be to make him confess. Knowing that you're going to be safe, I can focus on that part now and find a way to make him spill the beans."

"How long will it take?"

Roger shrugged, looking unsure. "I don't know, but the conference gives us a week."

"What about my clothes? If I'm gone for a week I have to go and get a few more things from home or else it will look suspicious."

Susan shook her head. "You're not going back. I'll call the hospital and ask for Daniel's schedule today and I'll go when he's at work."

She got up and grabbed her coat on the back of her chair. "I better start making arrangements now for my trip to New York. Fortunately, the hubby is in New Jersey, so we'll see each other."

"I can never thank you enough for what you're doing, Susan," Holly said as she saw her to the door. "And you too Blake," she added to her daughter who was also preparing to leave. The two hugged and Holly made Blake promise to stay out of Daniel's way.

When they were alone, Roger and Holly slowly went back to the living room. They looked at each other for a few seconds before Roger finally said," I can't believe that you actually want to stay here."

"I thought it would be best," Holly simply retorted. Whatever her feelings for Roger were, she could not deny that she felt safest when he was around lately.

"Well, I'm glad that you trust me with your safety," Roger replied. Maybe someday you can trust me with you heart, he added to himself.

Holly looked around and took a few steps down the corridor leading out of the living room. "You know what's funny? I just realized that you never gave me the tour of this place."

Roger understood the tacit question and smiled. "There isn't much too see, but I'll show you later. There's the bathroom, the kitchen, my room and the guest room. You can sleep there."

There was another awkward pause between them which Holly finally broke. "I'm sorry about last night," she said earnestly.

"About which part?"

"About running away in the middle of the night. It was rude and selfish of me."

Roger stayed motionless. Only the rapid batting of his eyes betrayed his emotion. "Okay, thank you for saying that."

"I won't do it again. Use you like that, I mean. It's probably best if we stayed out of each other's bed anyway until the whole thing with Daniel is resolved."

"You don't owe him anything anymore. You don't have to be faithful to him."

Holly opened her eyes in surprise. "Of course not! Daniel and I are finished, so that's not what I meant. I meant to say that emotions are running high right now and I'm not sure what my feelings are, about anything. Maybe you don't know what you're feeling for me either. Maybe you're mistaking your concern for something more. Let's not rush into something that we might regret later on, when the dust settles down."

"You mean like having an affair?" Roger said sadly.

"Yes, like having an affair. I know I'm asking a lot of you right now, especially since I'm the one who came to you the last time. I just didn't think that…" her voice trailed off and she looked away.

"That what?"

"That it would hurt you."

Roger took a few steps in her direction. "It did."

"Yeah, I know that now. It won't happen again, I promise. I'm done playing with people's feelings."


	12. Roger and All His Women

Susan returned in the late afternoon to drop off Holly's bags. They both went to Holly's room so that she could start unpacking while Roger made an appearance at the station.

"So, is it weird moving in here?" Susan as she took off her jacket and sat on the bed.

"Beyond weird. I never thought that I would see the day, honestly," Holly said with smiling eyes. "It's just for a few days, though."

"Yes, of course," Susan agreed. "I hope I picked the right clothes," she said innocently while Holly busied herself with her bags.

She tried not to laugh when she saw Holly's shocked expression as she took out one piece of lingerie after the other from her first suitcase. "What's wrong? Won't you need those?" she said before cracking up.

"Are there even real clothes in there?" Holly cried as she turned her suitcase upside down and emptied the contents on the bed. "Ah!" she said as she picked a pair of jeans and a white button down shirt, "I see that you still have some sense left in you."

She stepped into her walk-in closet, closed the door behind her and quickly changed into her more comfortable clothes. She looked around as she rolled the cuffs of her shirt, evaluating the available space. "It should be more than enough to fit my things," she murmured as she picked a box from a shelf to move it out of the way.

A red piece of paper that had been stuck under the box fell to the floor. Holly picked it up and felt a tiny pang in her chest when she unfold it. It read:

"My sweet, darling Mindy, I can't wait to see you tonight. Love, Roger."

Holly stared at the note for a few seconds, then folded it carefully and put it in her pocket. She plastered a smile on her face and came out of the closet. "Much better! Will you stay for dinner?"

Susan shook her head. "My plane leaves in an hour for New York. I'll spend the weekend with my husband before going to that convention of yours. How did the call to Daniel go?"

"He sounded disappointed but I think that he bought the story." A cloud overshadowed her features for a split second.

"Are you okay?" Susan asked, putting a hand on Holly.

"Yes, why?"

"You looked like you were thinking about something else, that's all."

Holly patted her pocket unconsciously. "Nope, I'm good!"

* * *

It was not until much later that evening that Holly remembered the piece of paper. Roger and her had just finished eating dinner and had move to the living room for some tea.

"I can't believe that you talked me into ordering sushi," she said as she patted her stomach. She lifted her feet off the ground and lay on the black leather ottoman in the middle of the room.

"Give it a few more tries and you'll learn to love it, I swear."

"Really? Does it apply to you too?" she asked sarcastically.

"Once you go Roger, you will find no one better! That's how the saying goes," Roger retorted in the same tone.

"Very funny," Holly deadpanned as she retrieved the note from her pocket. She held it in her hands for a few seconds before craning her neck to look at Roger, who was on the other couch.

"Can I ask you something?" she asked softly.

"Of course."

She hesitated, looking for the right words. "When you came to my house a few days ago, you said that you had never really stopped loving me. I guess my question is this: why did you not try to win me back as soon as you came back to town? Why all these other women?"

Roger stared at her incredulously, too taken aback at first to even speak. "Are you really asking me this?"

"Yes, I am."

"Wow, okay." Roger put his cup down and rubbed his face. "First of all, may I remind you that the first thing that you did when we met again was screaming and then trying to smother me with a pillow? I can get a hint, you know."

"Yeah, that happened," Holly said sheepishly. "You can't totally blame me for my reaction, though."

Roger cocked his head and made a face. "Secondly, it took me a while to realize my own feelings. During the years with the CIA, my hate and my anger went away, but I never would have said that I loved you. I never thought that there could be any love left between us after everything that I did to you. The old attraction was still there, I could feel that almost instantly when I came back to Springfield, but it took another few months to know that I loved you still."

Holly nodded silently, waiting for him to go on.

"I say "still", but the truth is that my feelings are vastly different than they were when we were married. I had very intense feelings back then, but it's not like what I'm feeling now."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that I know now what true love is. I know that it's not about taking and controlling. Sometimes it's about letting go."

"So you loved me by letting go of me and getting involved with other women? I'm not following you."

"I mean that I'm trying to show you that I love you by going at your pace. As for the other women I've been with in the past two years, you cannot blame me for having tried to go on with my life. You kept going out of your way to tell me how much you hated me, except in those rare occasions like in Acapulco. Even then, that was a trap that you set to get rid of me."

"Well, the trap caught two mice that night, I can tell you that," Holly said musingly. She stretched her arm in Roger's direction and handed him the red note. "I found this in the closet in my room," she said evenly.

Roger unfolded the piece of paper and sighed. "That's why you've been interrogating me for the past thirty minutes. This used to be Mindy's room when she rented the apartment."

"And when you two had an affair. You did love her, didn't you?"

"I cared about her. I thought I might start fresh with her, even having a family and somehow redeem myself for all my past mistakes. When it came to it, thought, I was not ready to put her first, and that's why she left. And even though I was smitten with her for a while, my feelings for her weren't strong enough to keep my hands off you in Acapulco."

"What about Alex? And Sonny Carrera?"

Roger chuckled. "You know it was never serious between Sonny and I. We got together because we were the town's misfits, but she figured out quickly enough that I was still attracted to you. I think she knew before I did."

He stretched and put the note back on the table. "As for Alex, well, we both know that I was never in love with her. I respected her, I admired her, but I never loved her. And how could I resist the chance to seize the Spaulding presidency? I left Springfield fifteen years ago, mourned by no one. Can you really blame me for wanting to show people that I was worth something after all? I'm only human, you know."

"I know."

Roger glanced at his watch and got up. "As much as I enjoy pouring my heart out to you, it's getting late and I have an unpleasant day awaiting me tomorrow." She reached for his hand and he pulled her up. "I hope that what I said enlightened you a little bit," he added as they walked toward to their respective room.

"It did, at least I think so. I'll have to think about it."

"Well, I'm glad to see that you're interested in my innermost thoughts," Roger said teasingly. "Maybe tomorrow evening, it could be your turn."

Holly scoffed. "I'll have to get back to you on that one too."

When they reached their rooms, they stood in the hall for a few seconds and exchanged a look. "Let's be good, tonight," Roger eventually said, wishing that Holly would just push past him anyway and climb into his bed.

"Right. Let's," she replied, hoping that he would just kiss her already.

Both afraid to make the first move, they finally muttered good night, turned on their heels and shut themselves in their rooms.


	13. Intruders

That first night, in her sleep, Holly felt a chill coming over her body and woke up to find her sheets rumpled beside her. She jumped when she saw that Roger was standing at the end of the bed.

"I know what I said, but I couldn't stay away," he said unapologetically. "I can't stand having you in the next room and not doing anything about it."

He kneeled on the floor and took hold of her ankles. "But if you really want me to leave you alone," he said as he yanked her closer to the end of the bed, "you just have to say the word."

He glanced at her defiantly, knowing that she would not protest. Indeed, the words died on her lips as soon as she tried to send him away. His lips were now on her right thigh, making their way up, always farther up until her fists clutched at the sheets. She remembered how Roger had always been good at this particular act of lovemaking and she prompted herself on her elbows, waiting with bated breath.

"Do you want me to stop?" he asked teasingly, making one final stop before reaching his destination.

Before she could answer, he reached between her legs and let his tongue wander inside of her. She arched her back and grabbed a fistful of his hair as if to hold his head in place.

"I'm going to eat you up as if you were made out of honey," he whispered before doing just that. She felt his tongue stroking her in all the right places and sighed with pleasure. His mouth fastened her to the bed as surely as handcuffs would have, writhing as a cry of pleasure slowly rose in her chest.

Needing to feel him inside of her, she suddenly sat and reached for him, but all her hands could grab was thin air. She opened her eyes and discovered with bewilderment that she was alone.

Roger was not there. He never had been. He was still in his room, keeping his promise not to touch her.

* * *

"Did you sleep well?" Roger asked her the next morning over breakfast.

She gave him a suspicious look, half-expecting him to be teasing her, but he looked back innocently.

"I dreamed a lot," she finally muttered, the nose in her plate.

"Ah yes, I know what you mean." This time, there was no mistaking the double-entendre in his voice. He finished his coffee and put his dishes in the dishwasher.

"I should be off," he added, standing awkwardly by the kitchen table. The whole scene had a domestic quality that felt extremely weird to the both of them.

"What's the plan?" Holly eventually asked.

"Well, the first step is to get access to Daniel's apartment without him noticing, so it means I'll have to steal his keys."

"But if you do find some evidence there, we would not be able to use it in court."

Roger nodded gravely. "I know, but it might scare him enough to run away and never come back."

"Or to confess."

"I would not get my hopes up about that, but we never know."

* * *

While Holly sat down to pour over the station's annual budget, Roger made his way to Cedars. After inquiring at the front desk, he learned that Daniel was currently in the middle of a complicated operation and would not be out of the O.R. for another few hours.

"I guess I will have to come back later for him," he said to the nurse with a pleasant smile. Then, instead of leaving, he slipped unnoticed to the corridor where he knew Daniel's office was. As he had expected, the office was unlocked and it was only a matter of minutes before he located the doctor's keys.

Making sure that the door was locked, he took out a portable key cutting machine out of his satchel and proceeded to duplicate the keys to Daniel's apartment and office. He was about to put the set of keys back in Daniel's coat pocket when one of the other keys caught his attention. It was so old and rusty that Roger assumed that it must have been in Daniel's possession for a long time.

"What door have you been made to unlock?" he wondered aloud as he turned the key with his fingers. Was that door in Boston, or even in India?

He might never find out, but he decided that it was worth making a copy just in case.

* * *

Little did he know that as he was invading Daniel's privacy, Daniel was about to do just the same.

It had been easy to convince the nurse at the front desk to cover for him. All he had needed to say was that he wanted to concentrate on his research, and that the only way to stop people from barging in his laboratory was if they thought he was in the O.R.

He parked his car two streets away from Roger's building and took out a small bag from the glove compartment.

"Good," he murmured as he went through the content.

He got out of the car and walked rapidly toward Roger's place.

Meanwhile, Holly had just decided to take a break from her budget and had wandered in the kitchen in hope of finding a snack. She opened the fridge and found it sadly empty, as she had expected. She made a mental note to send Roger straight to the supermarket as soon as he would be home.

She was just passing by the front door when she heard a faint noise coming from outside. Her senses immediately on alert, she ducked and looked around for a place to hide. She saw the papers from the station and quickly decided to leave them there and instead she ran to her room. She rapidly gathered her clothes, thanking all the gods above that she had made her bed, and shut herself up in the closet.

A few seconds later, she heard the front door open and the sound of footsteps in the living room. She grabbed one of her high-heel shoes with one hand and the doorknob with the other. It has to be Blake, she thought as she tried to calm her heavy breathing, she is the only one besides Roger who has a key.

Then again, if it were Blake, why was she not calling out to her?

She closed her eyes and squeezed her lips as the footsteps came closer and then stopped. A few seconds later, she heard them fade away and she exhaled inaudibly. She waited and soon enough there was noise again in the living room. A table was pushed, a chair rattled on the floor and suddenly a voice shattered the silence, making Holly jump in fright.

"Now, if you ever try to make a move on Holly, you bastard, I will know, and I will make you sorry."

That voice, Holly realized with dread, belonged to her fiancé. She retreated as far as she could inside the closet, wishing that she could melt into the wall.

"I know she's been dreaming about you, I heard her say your name in her sleep," Daniel rambled on out loud. "What did you say to her, huh, Roger? What kind of garbage have you been feeding her to make her fall for you again?"

Holly gasped and quickly covered her mouth. So that is why he had ripped Roger's picture from the newspaper, she realized. He did not know about the affair. Still, if he found her there, he would figure it out and she would be done for. For what appeared to her an eternity, there was no more sounds coming from outside her room until she finally heard the front door slam shut. She slumped on the floor with a strangled cry and remained there for the next few hours, too paralyzed by fear to come out.

* * *

"Holly?" Roger called as soon as he was home. "I told you to lock the door behind me! Are you trying to get us caught?" he added impatiently.

He stopped and looked around, finally noticing the eerie silence reigning in the apartment. "Holly?" he said again, this time with a rising sense of fear.

He sighed with relief when he finally saw her emerge from her room. "You're as white as a sheet! What happened?"

"Daniel was here," Holly said. She sat on the couch, not trusting her own legs to bear her for any length of time.

Roger's face fell. "What? And you let him in?"

"Of course not! What do you take me for? He let himself in, I don't know how."

Roger went back to the front door and examined it. "That asshole picked the lock!" He turned to his ex-wife. "Did he see you?"

"No, I hid. I'm almost positive that he didn't suspect me to be here, so he didn't really look."

"Then why the hell did he come here for?" Roger mused out loud. "Were you able to hear something?"

Holly shrugged apologetically. "I heard noises but I couldn't make out what he was doing. I don't think that he searched the place. He did move the table around a little. It might have been the desk also."

Roger walked to the desk and opened the drawers. "Nothing seems to be gone," he said after he had thoroughly searched it. He faced Holly and she could see that something was slowly dawning on him. He smacked his forehead with the palm of his hand and motioned Holly to keep quiet. For the next half-hour, he silently examined his whole apartment inch by inch, sliding his fingers under every surface and lifting every object.

"No bug," he finally said after coming back to the living room, "but he did tapped the phone."

He sat beside Holly and put an arm around her shoulders. "I am sorry you had to go through this."

Holly held back the tears and shook her head bravely. "It's okay."

Roger rubbed his face and went to the phone. "No, it's not. I should have done this yesterday," he said before taking the bug out from under the phone and calling a locksmith. He made an appointment for someone to come as soon as possible to install a second lock and a security chain. After hanging up, he put the bug back into place.

"I'll tell Blake and Susan what Daniel is up to so that they don't let something slip over the phone. If I take the bug out permanently, he will be on to us and we don't want that." He looked away and Holly could see that he was trying to control his anger. "I just don't understand why he would want to do this. How could he know that we're digging into his past?"

"I don't think that he does," Holly said, suddenly embarrassed.

"Then why else would he want to tap my phone?"

Holly cleared her throat. "Because he thinks that there might be something going on between us."

Roger made a dubious face. "Why? You certainly never gave him any reason to think that."

"Well, actually, it appears that I did. I said your name in my sleep. I heard him say that when he was here," Holly, looking steadily at the floor.

Roger's mouth fell open. "Wow, okay," he finally retorted. "That's not good. That he heard, I mean."

"I know, but I think that he only wants to know if you're trying to win me back. I'm sure he doesn't know about…you know."

She could not help shiver at the thought of what might happen of he did find out. They both ponder over the idea for a few seconds until Roger snapped out of it. "You look awful, Hol. Let me draw you a hot bath and get you some tea, okay? The locksmith will be here soon and then we can order something to eat."

Holly swallowed back her fears and nodded. They both went to the bathroom and she sat on the edge of the bath while Roger looked around for some bubble bath.

"It must be here somewhere," he said with half his body inside the closet.

"Do you mean to tell me that YOU have bubble bath?" Holly could not help asking with a smirk.

He finally pulled out of the cabinet, triumphantly holding a beautiful hand painted green bottle.

"Don't make fun of me. I'll let you know that secret agents lead very stressful lives." He got the water running, uncorked the bottle and poured a small amount into the bath. "I got this in Japan. You'll be thanking me later when you're in bath heaven."

He was so absorbed by the preparations that he did not see the change coming over Holly's features.

"Roger," she said in a tone that finally made him turn sharply. She was pointing at something behind the door.

"I forgot that my bathrobe was in here," she said in a shaky voice. "If he came in here, he must have seen it."

"Not necessarily. It's hanging behind the door."

They both stared at each other, both praying that Roger was right.


	14. Bare

"Holly? Is everything okay in there?" Roger asked trough the bathroom door an hour later. The locksmith and come and gone, and so had the delivery guy, but still Holly did not come out of the bathroom.

When there was no answer, Roger knocked and tried the doorknob which easily turned under his grip. He peeked inside and saw that the lights were out. There was only a single candle by the bath, casting a soft glow on Holly's face. Her eyes were closed and she appeared to be fast asleep.

"Holly," he said again in a low voice, wanting to wake her without startling her.

She stirred under the water and the thick layer of bubbles waved slightly. She blinked a few times then opened her eyes and looked around with a confused look. "What's happening?" she finally mumbled in a sleepy voice.

"You fell asleep," Roger replied.

Holly sat up a little straighter but carefully so as not to show too much skin. "You were right, this Japanese stuff is magical," she remarked.

"I told you," he retorted with a little smile. "The food is ready if you want to come out," he added before retreating back into the hall.

"Roger, wait!" Holly called after him. She waited for his head to reappear in the doorway to go on. "Can we talk for a minute?" She patted the rim of the bathtub.

"In here?" Roger asked before taking a few hesitant steps.

"I won't bite. I just don't feel like coming out just now."

He studied her face before sitting down on the first steps leading up to the bathtub. He knew that a part of her was tempting fate by inviting him to stay, and he could not say that he was disappointed about it.

"You didn't tell me what happened on your end after you copied Daniel's keys. Did you find anything?"

Roger shook his head. "I searched his office and his apartment but I found nothing beside a picture of that woman."

Holly shifted her weight in the bath, creating soft ripples in the water. "I thought as much. If he did force her or coaxed her into taking these pills, then how can we prove it? There's probably no material evidence left of that."

"I know, but we can't give up."

"It's killing me that I can't do anything about this! There has to be something we haven't thought about."

"If we can't find anything, we'll have to trick him into confessing."

Holly gave him a dubious look. "To the police? He's never going to fall for that, Roger, and even if we catch his confession on tape, we won't be able to use it in court."

"Illegally obtained evidence, I know. There's always the hope that we scare him into leaving town."

"No, he won't do that. He won't let me walk away from him, so even if he leaves, I'll never feel safe because I'll know that he will come back for me sooner or later. What kind of a life would that be for me?" Holly cried desperately. She ran her fingers through her hair and moaned in frustration.

"I just feel like my future is a complete blank," she added in a small voice.

Roger looked at her as pain gripped his heart. He wanted to promise that everything would turn out alright and that if bad came to worse, they could always run away together and never look back. Instead, he kept silent. He could not presume that she would ever want to be stuck with him for the rest of her life, and so he did not dare to suggest it.

"I guess it must be hard for you to make any type of decision right now," he finally managed to ask.

Holly looked up and they exchanged a long glance. "You mean about you?" she said after a few seconds.

Roger cleared his throat and tried to get up. "Forget it. The last thing that you need is for someone to put more pressure on you right now."

Holly put a dripping hand on his arm before he could leave. "Don't go." She tugged at his shirt until he sat back down. "You've been such a great help to me lately that the least I can do is trying to explain to you how I feel."

He nodded and waited for her to go on, his eyes concentrating on the growing wet spot on his shirt where her hand had just been.

"You're right," she said, "the only thing that I can do not to go crazy right now is to take it day by day. I can't tell you what I'll want when or if this thing with Daniel blows over. This is such an extraordinary situation that I'm not sure if my feelings for you are real or not, or if they will last."

"So you do have feelings for me," Roger stated in a steady voice, even though is heart was now beating wildly.

"I think I showed you that in the last few days."

"No, not really. You showed me that you wanted me. That's not the same thing at all."

"Well, you also know that I don't sleep around, Roger! When I decide to have sex with someone, feelings are usually involved."

Roger looked at her thoughtfully. "Fair enough. So what are these feelings? Do you feel like you owe me because I'm protecting you? Or are they just the remains of the love that you once felt for me?"

"What I'm feeling now has little to do with what I used to feel when we were married, because somehow, you're not the same man that you were back then. I think this is what is puzzling me the most. I can't make out who this new Roger Thorpe is, and I still don't know if I can trust him."

"You can!"

"I'm sorry, but when it comes to trust, words aren't enough."

She craned her neck to look up to him. "I think we should continue this conversation on a more equal footing," she suddenly said.

"Fine, I'll let you get dress and we can finish our talk in the living room." He got up and walked down the two steps.

"Or you could get into this bathtub with me," Holly replied matter-of-factly.

Roger did not turn around immediately, and Holly could see his shoulders tensing up. "Do you realize what is it doing to me right now to know that the only thing standing between us is a layer of bubbles? Please, don't tease me, Hol," he said over his shoulder.

"I'm not trying to torture you, Roger."

"You said you would not play with my feelings anymore."

"I won't. I'm trying to be honest with you about how I feel. I want to explain, and then you can decide what to do."

"If I get into this bathtub, we both know what's going to happen. My brain is going to fly out the window."

He could hear the smile in her voice when she replied. "If I'm going to bare my soul to you, the least that you could do in return is to take your clothes off. Besides, you know I won't be able to run away in the middle of the night like I did the last time. Isn't that an improvement?"

He finally turned around and pulled a face. "You've got me wrapped around your finger, you know that?" He undressed and stepped into the tub, which was more than large enough for two. He sat down so as to face her and slowly sank into the tub until his head rested against the edge. "The water is still warm," he commented.

"I changed it not too long ago."

She let him enjoy the hot water on his skin for a few minutes before resuming their conversation.

"I want you to know that I'm acting in good faith right now. I'm not trying to hurt you or to make a fool out of you. The truth is that I honestly don't know how I feel. I've hated you for so long, Roger, that it became a second nature to me."

"I know. I can still feel the sting of it."

"Exactly. I know you remember how it was for me when you came back to town."

Roger nodded. "Your hatred was just as fresh as when I fell off that cliff. Did you really have to hook up with Ed, though? I mean, do you know what it did to me to realize that after all these years, your first instinct was to run to him?"

Holly reddened slightly while she recalled her first months back in Springfield. She could not deny that she had been quick to jump into bed with her first husband.

"That was weak of me. I guess I just needed someone to hold on to until I got back my bearings."

"You never gave me a chance to try to make amends with you. You just hid behind Ed, and then Ross, and lately Daniel."

"Can you really blame me for not wanting to have any kind of relationship with you? Fate brought us both back here, Roger, but if it hadn't been for that, I never would have sought you out!"

Roger raised his hand to stop her outburst. "Believe me, I know what it cost you to let me back into your life. I'm grateful that you're even speaking to me. All I'm saying is that I tried very hard to make you see that I was a different man, and that you tried very hard NOT to see it."

"I did hide behind Ed, and I guess that I didn't really love Daniel either, but with Ross it was different," she replied in a soft voice.

Roger could not help but wince. "I know that you don't want to hear this, but it's the truth," she said. "I really thought that we would get married."

"Then why did you invite me to Acapulco?"

Holly shrugged. "I've thought about this so many times and yet I still don't know how to answer that. I guess my love for Ross couldn't survive in a world where you also existed."

Roger took a deep breath, fighting to keep his emotions in check. This was far from a love declaration, but it was not spoken lightly either. His hand searched for her under the water and he pulled her to him.

"Come here," he said, sighing as she rested her head on his chest. Her body brushed against his, light as a feather under the water.

"I guess I can settle for not knowing for a little while longer," he said as he rested his chin on the top of her head, "as long as you promise me that you'll try to figure your feelings out."

"I promise."

"In that case," Roger said as he reached for the tap, "we better add some hot water, because we're going to be in here for a while."

He pulled her on top of him and they exchanged a long, emotional kiss. They made love slowly, intensely, not wanting the moment to end. When they finally came out of the tub, both the water and the Chinese food were cold.


	15. Looking Back

"I'm starving," Roger said as he held up Holly's bathrobe so that she could slip into it. "Are you still up for the Chinese food I ordered? I can warm it up."

"Sounds great," Holly replied. She waited for Roger to leave the bathroom and quickly checked herself out in the mirror. She had that tell-tale glow about her and could not help smiling. She might be heading for disaster in the next few weeks, but for the moment she just wanted to enjoy the time she was spending holed up with Roger in his apartment. She felt safe and cared for, feelings she never thought she could experience in regard to her ex-husband.

"Amazing," she muttered to her reflection.

She ran a comb through her damp hair, wiped her face and touched up her make-up. Next, she went back to her room and put on her pyjama bottoms under her robe and then headed to the kitchen.

She found Roger stuffing the oven with General Tao chicken, beef and broccoli and jasmine rice. "You ordered for an army!" she said teasingly.

He turned the oven on and winked. "I find Asian food to be comforting, and I think that you need a strong dose of comfort right now, Mrs. Lindsey." He closed the distance between them and kissed her lightly on the lips. "I know the circumstances are far from ideal, but I'm glad you're here so that I can take care of you."

She put her arms around his neck and smiled. "Don't you think it's crazy, though? You and I, not fighting, just enjoying spending time together?"

Roger cocked his head on one side and reflected for a few seconds. "Crazy, no. Unexpected, definitely, but I have to admit that I fantasized about it a lot in the past few months."

"You did?"

"Many, many nights. Ever since I thought you might be thawing toward me."

"When was that? I sure don't recall any thaw on my part."

Roger laughed and held her more tightly. "Of course not, you were too busy convincing yourself that you still hated me."

Holly ignored his teasing and pressed him for an answer. "When?"

Roger grew serious and looked into her eyes. "Okay. Do you remember when you threw a party at the station after you and Ross became co-owners?"

Holly's widened in surprise. "Of course I remember! You and I got into a huge fight in front of everybody."

"I accused you of trying to make Sonny lose her job because you were jealous and still wanted me."

"And I slapped you in the face."

Roger grinned widely. "Good and hard, yes."

"Then you ran a finger all over the icing on the cake before you left," Holly said as she started laughing. "The gall! I could have killed you right there and then!"

Roger glanced at her silently. "I had a call later that night, but no one spoke when I picked up the phone."

Holly slowly turned a deep crimson and buried her face in Roger's neck.

"There's nothing to be ashamed of, Holly! I always hoped it was you."

"I'm not even sure why I called."

"Whatever the reason, I knew then that deep down inside you still cared for me."

"And you waited all this time? That was over two years ago!"

Roger caressed her hair lightly. "And now here you finally are. For now," he added hurriedly when he saw the familiar panic set into Holly's eyes. "The food should be hot enough by now. What do you say we eat in the living room in front of an old movie? There's something that I want to show you later on, too."

"A surprise?"

"Something like that."

They brought their plates in the other room and had just started eating when the doorbell rang. They immediately dropped their fork and held their breath. When the doorbell rang three more times, they sighed with relief. This was the secret code they had agreed on with Blake.

Roger hurried to the door and let his daughter in.

"Hi, Dad! Mom! I just came to drop some work from the station," Blake said as she walked into the living room.

Holly got up and took the files for her daughter's hands. "Is this the budget for the new talk show?" she said as she perused the documents. When Blake failed to reply, she raised her head and caught her daughter giving her the once over. It was only then that she remembered that she was in her pyjamas, and that so was Roger.

She briefly glanced at him and saw from the look of embarrassment on his face that the same thing had just occurred to him.

"You guys sure know how to make it a cozy evening," Blake said, pointing at the TV and stealing a piece of chicken from her mother's plate. "And here I was, afraid that I would catch you at each other's throat." There was no missing the sarcasm and Holly had to resist the urge to run and hide into her room.

Instead, she invited her daughter to stay for dinner. "There's more than enough for three."

Blake clasped her hands together and winked mischievously. "A family dinner, how tempting! I must decline, however. You know me, places to go, people to see!"

She turned to her father. "Before I go, would you mind lending me your files on next spring's programming? I'd like to go over that later tonight."

She waited until Roger had left to get his briefcase and grabbed her mother by the elbow. "You. Dad. Pyjamas. What's the deal?"

Holly cleared her throat. "We dropped hot and sour soup all over us when we unpacked the take-out bags, that's all."

"Oh, really? Did you drop it on your head too?" Blake said, twisting a wet strand of hair from her mother around her finger.

"Blake," Holly said with a hint of warning in her voice. The last thing that she needed was for her daughter to get her hopes up about a reconciliation between her parents. Blake threw her hands in the air. "Whatever, you don't have to tell me anything."

"No, I don't, because there is nothing to tell!"

"Right," Blake, who was clearly enjoying herself, replied. "Well, I'm off. Have a good night guys!" she yelled for the benefit of her father.

A few seconds later, Roger emerged from his room, holding some files. "Where did she go? I thought she needed those," he said to Holly as he looked around. She rubbed her face and went back to the couch.

"She did not. I believe we just got busted with a capital B." She shook her head and munched pensively on a piece of broccoli.

Roger sat beside her and put his arm around her shoulders. "How do you feel about that?"

"I'm not thrilled, but I have worse problems right now."

"True. On the bright side, she's old enough to realize that it's okay for parents to have sex. She won't be scarred for life by the discovery."

Holly gave him a mildly annoyed look and punched him on the arm. "I believe it only works for parents that are actually together, not for the ones who are having sex behind everyone's back like horny teenagers."

"We don't have to go at it behind people's back," Roger said, suddenly serious.

"What do you suggest? That we leak a sex tape at WSPR? No thanks," Holly replied dryly.

"You know what I mean."

Holly sighed and took another bite. She did know what he implied, but she still could not envision being with Roger out in the open. She would not be able to stand the stares, the whispers, the judgments.

"What is it that you wanted to show me earlier on?" she said, desirous to change the subject.

"Oh, right. Wait, I'll be right back." Roger disappeared into his room and came back a few minutes later with a small metallic box. He sat and held it on his lap.

"I've had this for fifteen years now. I came back to Springfield to get it a few months after I joined the CIA."

Holly stared at the box with mounting interest. Whatever the content was, it must have meant the world to Roger for him to come back at a time when people thought he was dead. Getting caught would have possibly meant a lifetime in prison.

"What is it?" she asked him.

"Before I show you, I want you to know that I meant no harm by it, but that I should probably apologize anyway," he said, looking contrite.

Holly shot him a wary look. "What for?"

"Because I had to break into your house to get it. You were off with Chrissy somewhere, and you had left a window half-opened at the back of the house."

"Roger!" Holly cried. If she had known at that time that her ex-husband, whom she believed was lying dead at the bottom of a cliff, had been into her house, she probably would have lost it. To her amazement, however, she was now only mildly annoyed, and even slightly amused. Time did heal all wounds, even if it left scars. "I forgive you. Now show me the goods."

He inhaled deeply then lifted the lid. There was a pink sweater neatly folded inside. He picked it up and handed it to Holly, who held it out perplexedly in front of her. It was a hand-knitted sweater, and not very well-knitted at that. From the size of it, it had probably belonged to their daughter.

"Why take this of all things?" she finally asked.

"Don't you remember?" He flipped the hem to show her a purple heart clumsily stitched inside.

It was then that it dawned on her. She clasped a hand over her mouth and brought the sweater to her face. "Oh my God!" she murmured.

"That's the one," Roger said with an emotional smile.

"Chrissy had been begging me to buy her a pink sweater whenever we passed that store on Fifth Street, and I had decided, in a grand gesture of love, that I would make it with my own hands instead."

"And you did a lousy job of it too, but she sure loved that sweater."

"You're the one to talk, you stitched that heart all wrong!"

"At least I pitched in," he protested.

Holly smelled the fabric, but the scent of her daughter was long gone. "She wore it all the time, even though it completely clashed with her hair color. I thought we had lost it!"

"Well, I took it. It reminded me of a time when the three of us were actually happy, even if it was just for a little while. Do you remember how hopeful we were back then?"

Holly nodded silently. "Does Blake know that you have this?"

"Yes," he replied softly. "I showed it to her about a year ago. You should have seen the look on her face."

"Didn't she want to keep it?"

"She asked for it, but I didn't want to part with it just yet. I kept hoping that someday, I could show it to you and that you would remember that things had not been all bad between us."

"I remember," she replied after a long pause.

She folded the sweater and put it carefully back inside the box. "I'm exhausted," she announced before getting up.

"Me too," Roger said, his spirits down. He had hoped for a stronger reaction on Holly's part, but she was still as guarded as usual. He followed her down the hall and waited for her to disappear into her room, but to his surprise, she made a turn in the opposite direction and walked straight to his bed. She shed her robe and pyjamas, climbed under the covers and turned off the lights.

"Goodnight, Roger," she mumbled, already falling into a slumber.

As soon as he recovered from the shock, he climbed in next to her and tentatively put an arm around her. "That's my side of the bed," he whispered in her hair.

She snuggled against him and yawned. "Not tonight, it's not."

* * *

They lingered in bed the next morning, both pretending to be asleep so that they would not have to get up. When Roger could not put off going to work any longer, he took a quick shower, dressed up and met Holly in the kitchen.

She was still in her pyjamas, her hair was unkempt and she had a sleepy look on her face. Somehow, she suddenly reminded her of the young woman that she used to be, and he could not resist pulling her into a long embrace. "I'm going to get us out of this mess, I promise," he said into her hair.

She broke free and took a few steps back. "We have to find a way, Roger, because we can't go on like this much longer. The convention in New York will be ending in a few days and Daniel will be expecting me back."

She took a thermos from the cupboard and filled it with the coffee she had just made. They both walked to the front door, lost in their own distressing thoughts. She handed him the thermos as he unlocked the door to leave. "I'll think of something," he said before kissing her urgently.

He pulled away and saw a flash crossing her face. "There's only one thing that I could think of," she started to say, but before she could finish her thought, the door burst opened violently. They fell back a few steps and Roger immediately threw Holly behind him.

Daniel stood on the other side of the threshold, looking enraged. "I can't believe that you're doing this to me, Holly."


End file.
